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Key points
- What you think you know but don't can hurt you more than ignorance.
- Discrepant desire isn't always about sexual interest.
- The story underneath the story that partners talk about often brings solutions into focus.
This is a written account of a couple therapy treatment.
Jay shared this memory: On a flight back to New York from Europe a few years ago, Heather suggested that they meet in the airplane bathroom and steal a transgressive thrill. “She has a side of her nature that she once shared with me, but no more. I appreciated her fun spirit and willingness to take chances, even though, at the time, I wasn’t up for what she had in mind.”
“We used to laugh together and have fun,” said Jay. “I miss her feeling good about ‘us.’ And that’s not just about having more sex.” He said that he appreciates Heather, her intelligence, her strength of character, her beauty, but insisted, “There’s a wall between us, and I can’t get over it or around it. I feel frustrated, rejected.”
“Jay blames me for how our sex life has cooled off. He makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me, and I resent it,” Heather said. “He pressures me to honor his feelings over mine. When I try to talk about it, he gets defensive and angry.”
Silence hung in the room until Jay continued, “It may not seem this way, but I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to, either with me or for me. I don’t want to get my way; what I want is to have good times together. I want to experience us being playful with each other.”
Heather interrupted, “That sounds nice, but I don’t think you’re being completely honest.”
She described a situation in which Jay told her he hoped they could "get together" after the dishes were washed and the leftovers were put away. She replied, “Not tonight, sorry.”
“Okay,” Jay replied, “You’re not in the mood. That’s all right. But will you come into the bedroom with me and watch me? I’d really like that.” She responded, “Listen, whatever you want to do is fine—I just don’t want to be there.”
Jay answered, “I don’t understand what’s going on with us. All you have to do is watch. You can keep your clothes on. It would mean a lot to me, and I don’t see why you won’t do that for me. I can’t imagine not doing it for you.”
“I guess that’s the problem,” Heather replied. “It hasn’t occurred to you that I might feel taken for granted and even exploited if I just go along with what you want, without any regard for how I feel about it.”
Jay replied, “But I don’t take you for granted—that’s just the thing.”
“You say you don’t, but you act like you do,” Heather answers. “When it comes to ‘getting’ who I am, you don’t.”
She added, “I don’t want to be shamed or manipulated into doing something that makes me feel like I don’t count.”
Jay came back, “How can someone so playful and sexually adventurous as you become disinterested in sex? You’re right; I don’t get it.”
“Who says I’m disinterested in sex? What I am disinterested in is being taken for granted. Nothing kills my desire faster than the thought that my desire doesn’t matter. So as long as I do what you want, you have no interest in knowing how I feel about it. Do you understand how that feels to me?”
Jay countered, “I’m trying to help you, me, and us have a good time. You’re right; I don’t understand.”
“Okay, I respect your honesty,” Heather squeezed the bridge of her nose with her thumb and index finger. She closed her eyes momentarily. Upon opening them again, she hurled back, “No matter how I say it, you’re not getting it. You’re dismissing my feelings as unimportant, and it makes me so unhappy!”
Here’s what came next:
Heather: Maybe this would be a better way to explain it: I’m not just an empty shell. There’s stuff going on inside me. In order to say “Yes,” I need the freedom to say “No.”
Jay: What about the way you had been?
Heather: When you don’t get what you want, you say that I am selfish and talk to me as if there was something wrong with me. You want my eyes on you, but if the brain connected to my eyes is not interested in seeing what you want me to see, it doesn’t matter to you.
Therapist: Jay, does that make sense to you?
Jay: It does, but I still don’t really believe that she feels that way, that it would be so hard for her to do something like watching me when all she has to do is stand, sit, or lie down in the same room. I can’t get over the idea that I’m asking for too much.
Therapist: For the sake of clarity, let me put it this way: She decides, for whatever reason, that she’s not in the mood to watch you pleasure yourself. You’re upset that she refuses what you describe as a "simple favor." She concludes that you’d like her to dismiss her own feelings and instead honor yours. She expresses resentment about being put in this position. You say you don’t want her to do anything for or to you that she doesn’t want to do. She has trouble trusting that statement; can you see why?
Jay: I think I see what you mean, but it’s not how I was thinking about it.
Therapist: And Heather has repeatedly said that she doesn’t feel you get her. Does that make sense to you?
Jay: She doesn’t believe I make a space for her to feel the way she actually feels. She feels like I want her to forget about her prerogatives and honor mine.
Therapist: And what do you think about her giving you a hard “No,” if that’s what she feels?
Jay: I think I understand and that she is doing the right thing. Only I’m not happy about it.
Therapist: Well, you weren’t happy about it before we started exploring this, and you aren’t happy about it now, but it sounds like you have opened yourself up to understand her dilemma.
Jay: Yes, I can see that. And I wasn’t thinking about it that way. It seemed much simpler before.
Therapist: By taking in her perspective and acknowledging that you can see her point of view, my thought is that Heather feels less alienated from you. She may even feel like you are beginning to “get” her. Is that right, Heather?
Heather: Yes.
This conversation seemed to mark a breakthrough. Heather was moved by Jay’s openness to re-consider both his and her own perspective. This signified, to her, that she had an impact on him; she felt seen and heard by him. He had seen the situation one way and now, after exploration, saw it differently. This newfound psychic flexibility was one of the things Heather felt had been absent.
In upcoming blog posts, we will explore various intersections of couple and sex therapy and expand on new approaches to improving couples’ communication. We will discuss the impact of personal histories on sexual development and see how it affects future relationships. We will look at the impact of gender-based roles and how these roles can constrict partners in their interactions with each other. I hope you will join me in this ongoing discussion. Thanks for reading!
References
Grant, Adam. (2020) Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don't Know, NY: Viking
