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Part One of Two
A lot of couples therapy is not as effective as it might be. Partners sometimes come away from it understanding a lot more than they had previously about communication, however, not knowing how to apply it directly to their personal situation. If you feel this way after reading this piece, please contact me for follow up.
Brian and Ashley were married for a year and each brought a lot of baggage into their relationship. Brian’s father had an uncontrollable temper. He recalls many loud arguments, wall-pounding, and many times when his father stormed out of their apartment, returning after the bars closed. On numerous occasions, Brian woke at 2 or 3 in the morning to hear his father shouting about not getting enough respect and warning that "certain people" were going to pay a price for that.
By the time Brian was seven years old, his parents separated.
Would it surprise anyone to learn that Brian developed a problem controlling his anger?
Ashley, the oldest of two sisters, had her own struggles. Her family maintained an image of perfect normality as far as outsiders knew, but sadness and anger dominated within. Her father had multiple affairs and her mother succumbed to depression. When Ashley was in the third grade, her mother attempted suicide for the first of three times.
The mood at home was like a never-ending funeral.
Ashley became her mother’s confidante. From an early age, she provided care and encouragement to help her mother survive in her loveless, sexless marriage. Instead of being nurtured by her mother, Ashley saw herself as a caregiver who would never be on the receiving end of care.
When Brian and Ashley came in for couples therapy, Brian described the following clash: He had met Judson, a single man his own age who lived in the apartment directly below theirs. Brian found out that Judson had spoken with Ashley while they waited for the elevator together and that they each had attended the same undergraduate program during overlapping years. Judson asked Brian whether he had also gone there.
Judson would have likely been surprised to learn that on the basis of their short conversation, Brian had boiled over with jealousy. An imposing presence at six-foot-two, muscular and barrel-chested, he upbraided Ashley, who, having returned home from work only moments earlier, was relaxing on the sofa with a book in hand. Brian hollered, “Chatting up the neighbors is not acceptable. That is not okay. What is the matter with you?”
Perhaps out of nervousness, Ashley laughed. She had known him to experience fits of jealousy but she felt unprepared for this one.
She recalled thinking, “What is he talking about?”
Then something happened that neither partner expected. “He began sputtering he was so angry. I couldn’t even understand the words he was saying.”
Ashley rose, stepped towards Brian robotically, and whipped her fully extended right arm in a roundhouse motion, as if she were delivering smash with a tennis racket. With that fluid, sweeping motion she brought the meaty palm of her right hand squarely across the left side of Brian’s face. He staggered backward, cheek red and stinging, a tear involuntarily escaping his left eye. He toppled back onto the sofa.
Without saying a word, he clambered to his feet, opened the door to the hallway and exited the apartment as if he had suddenly remembered he was needed elsewhere.
By the time they had begun couples therapy, they had discussed the events of this evening together only briefly. The conversation had not been easy and it did not go well. So they wanted to try it with a third party, myself, witnessing.
I asked both partners how they felt about what had happened.
Ashley said that when Brian returned that night, an hour after leaving, he’d said, “I know I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I’m sorry. But I don’t understand why you hit me though. I can’t believe you did that.”
She responded, “You were out of control and you rattled me. I did something that I don’t feel good about. I was also out of control.”
She went on, “I felt relieved to hear his apology. I was nervous that he’d come back and maybe have worked himself up into even more anger. This is not the first time he’s blown up at me over something that made him jealous. There have been many incidents like this. They never ended this way though. This triggered something that I wasn’t even aware was in me. I’ve told him many times that I am not interested in being with anyone else. I am not a flirt or a disloyal person. He doesn’t seem to take that in.”
Brian acknowledged that it was not the first time that he had lost control. “You’re right, if I lose self-control I can’t expect you to stay in control. I can’t argue with you about that,” he said.
I pointed out that I had worked with a couple recently who bickered continuously. Each accused the other of losing control but neither acknowledged their part in keeping the arguments going. I said to Brian, “By acknowledging your need to work on getting your anger under control, you show a willingness to work collaboratively with Ashley. By taking this step, you are model assuming responsibility for your anger. This constitutes a breakthrough, the kind that creates possibilities for healing.”
I think Brian was surprised to receive a compliment for anything related to the way he handled his anger. Changes in handling anger are difficult and almost invariably, progress in doing so hinges on receiving appropriate validation and encouragement. Often times, people become cynical about their ability to change, I sensed this was so for Brian.
Hearing Brian’s acknowledgment of work he had to do if the couple were to move forward seemed to soften Ashley’s anger. She now expressed a deeper sense of regret about striking him.
I have worked with this couple for a number of months and no similar incident has been reported.
Ashley revealed, “What scared me most about this incident is that I felt that if we continued to do things like this to one another eventually we would probably have to separate. I want to work things out. I want to stay with you, Brian.”
Perhaps because he was feeling more secure in his connection with Ashley, Brian, at that point, gave voice to a part of the problem that he had not been able to process on his own. He said, “You were right to be angry with me. But I was also right to be angry with you. I still don’t understand why it’s important for Judson to know that you went to the same school.”
Without seeming to be aware of it, Brian was now going in two directions at the same time.
In Part Two of this post, I will continue to explore ways in which Brian began to come to terms with “going in two directions at the same time.” How is it possible that he could be increasingly open on some issues but unable to understand how fixating on Ashley’s having had a casual conversation with their neighbor about something that they had in common did not indicate that she was being unfaithful to him?
Part Two of this post will also include 10 tips that helped this couple move from the chaos and friction and ground themselves in greater compassion and acceptance of one another’s needs and emotions.
Comments and questions are welcomed.
