Confessions of a Narcissist Magnet

You never know who the narcissist is behind the mask.

Source: Mikhail Nilov/Pexels

I didn't know what a narcissist was until I was 52 years old. Oh sure, I'd heard the term, but I always thought it referred to someone who is self-centered and likes to talk about themselves all the time—a braggart. Or that it was someone who was obsessed with their looks, like Narcissus from Greek mythology.

I had no clue as to the more insidious characteristics of narcissists, even though they were being played out for me every day by my lovers. I may not have known what a narcissist is, but I was hopelessly attracted to them.

I would finally get a clue after a devastating breakup. I broke up with a woman who had treated me badly, but I didn't really want to leave her. I could still remember how wonderful she was at the beginning of the relationship. I thought she was perfect. Over time, however, her behavior toward me became worse and worse. She became disrespectful and critical. It eventually got so bad that I ended the relationship. But, I was miserable. I wanted her back; well, I wanted the woman back who I had fallen in love with at the beginning.

I Had a Pattern With the Type of Women I Would Date

It was then that I recognized I had a pattern. This was the story of nearly every relationship I'd ever had, whether it lasted three months or two decades. I would meet a woman who was wonderful at the beginning but who would become horrible by the end. Meanwhile, I would repeat the same practice of trying everything I could think of to please these girlfriends, but nothing was ever good enough.

I realized the problem lay with me, and I was determined to figure out what it was.

I tried therapy, but the most I got out of it was that my history with women probably had something to do with my mother. That was too vague; I wanted hard facts fast, and I was too impatient to wait for a therapist to wriggle it out of me.

So, I started reading everything I could find on relationships—especially toxic ones. I read books by the dozens and articles by the hundreds. I learned a lot of fascinating things, but I wasn't finding the answer I needed.

I Got to the Root of My Problem

Then, I came across a book entitled: Why Is It Always About YOU? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss. It provided the epiphanies I was seeking. As she described the various traits of narcissists, I recognized past girlfriend after girlfriend. But the biggest epiphany came when I read the chapter that perfectly described my mother. I remember crying out loud, "Oh my god, I've been dating my mother!"

My mother was the epitome of narcissism. She was self-centered, she used people, she had no empathy for others' problems, she kept a coterie of sycophants who always agreed with her, and when things didn't go her way—everyone in the house was miserable. She was a perfectionist who expected high achievement from my sister and me, and we strived to make her proud with our school work and extracurricular activities.

Children Who Grow Up in Unstable Homes Will Struggle to Thrive

Children who grow up in safe homes with loving parents develop the self-love and self-confidence to succeed in the world. To fully thrive, children need love and stability. Unfortunately, children who grow up in unstable homes (where the parents are narcissistic, alcoholic, or abusive) go out into the world vulnerable to all sorts of villainy.

Now that I knew I was addicted to narcissists, I was able to find a therapist who specialized in working with victims of narcissism. She was able to help me recognize all the abuse and abandonment I suffered from my mother, and how I had suppressed my memories of it.

In addition to the therapy, I started consuming everything I could find on narcissism: books, articles, videos, and more.

I Felt Like I'd Been Set Free

It was so liberating to finally understand what was going on in my psyche. I learned that people subconsciously seek lovers who have the same traits as the parent who wounded them so that they can somehow heal that wound. In other words, because my mother was incapable of loving me, I am attracted to narcissists like her who are also incapable of love; and if I can get one of those narcissists to love me, then I will magically heal the wounding from my mother.

Narcissism Essential Reads

Early Narcissistic Red Flags in Children

A New Way to Think About Narcissism

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Instead, it perpetuates generation after generation. A child of a narcissist either becomes a narcissist or a codependent that is attracted to narcissists. Now that I understand the problem, I can look back through my family tree and trace the narcissism back as far as four generations. Once I understood this, I wanted to end the cycle and hope that it does not continue with my children.

The next step was learning how to avoid narcissists and to become comfortable with women who are not narcissistic. In the past, when I would meet a nice woman who treated me well, it wouldn't feel right. I would feel like there was something wrong with her. What I didn't understand was that I only felt comfortable with narcissists because that was all I knew—that was what I was familiar with. It was time to get comfortable with kind, compassionate, and giving women.

An Early Warning System for Recognizing Narcissists

When I started dating again, I learned that I had an inner warning system that would alert me when I encountered a narcissist—even before they would start exhibiting their self-centered habits. My subconscious mind would recognize them immediately.

I noticed that when I was with a narcissist, I would become exhilarated, almost euphoric. It affected my whole body. I would think, "Wow, this woman really lights me up." This was my trigger, my cue, my red flag alarm... Danger Will Robinson! I quickly learned that when I felt like this, I was probably with a narcissist. At first, I'd continue dating them until I could confirm the narcissistic traits, but over time, I realized my early warning system was always correct, and I moved on immediately.

I know I'm not the only person who has this ability. A few years ago, I saw it in my sister (who also has a history of being attracted to narcissists). She got extremely excited about a guy she was dating. More than I'd ever seen from her before. So, I told her about my internal warning system, and she started paying closer attention to his behavior. After a couple of more weeks, she determined that he was indeed a narcissist. Shortly after that, she met a caring loving man, whom she married.

I wonder how many other people may have this ability, but don't realize it. When I look back through my relationships, there were two women who "lit me up" more than any of the others. In retrospect, I can see that both of them had personalities that were closest in similarity to my mother's. They were also the hardest ones to get over.

Through a lot of work, I now know what I don't want in a lover, and I'm on my way to discovering what I do want.

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