The Narcissist’s Envy

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Some think that to be envied is an honor, but when someone you love envies you, it can be devastating. One of the nine traits listed in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) for narcissistic personality disorder is "often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.”

If you are envied by a distant person, it may have no effect on you. If you are envied by someone you love, it’s a different story. Let’s think first about the nature of narcissistic behavior. It is common for narcissists to criticize, judge, and put others down to make themselves feel bigger and better. Remember that the narcissist typically has a fragile ego and lacks a solid sense of self. They need to be admired and praised to feed that lacking ego.

If you are a friend, child, or lover of a narcissist, you may experience the constant threats of criticism and judgment. But, when that same narcissistic person is envious of you, it adds a new dimension: Your very existence may be viewed by them as a threat.

You may be criticized and judged for your weaknesses, and put down and dismissed for your strengths. Your reality as a worthy person is obliterated, and your sense of self cancelled. This can be unnerving, awful, and crazy-making. It can create a sense of helplessness: “What can I do to make this person happy? It seems like my simply breathing is a problem.” True. You are turned into an object that is scorned regardless of what you do. You exist only in reference to the narcissist’s projection of what they are feeling at the time. This is nothing you can control. Their accusations and blaming are a substitute for their own self-examination. You become trapped behind this thick layer of projection and may not understand why. You become the garbage can for their projections of ill feelings towards themselves.

If this envier is your parent, your sibling, or someone you love and from whom you want that love reciprocated, you feel attacked. Your goodness is questioned, cancelled, labeled, made fun of, and retaliated against.

A narcissistic parent, for example, may be envious of their child’s looks, youth, figure, relationship with the other parent, accomplishments, education, possessions or wealth, talents, or other things. A sibling may be envious of another sibling’s nice home, or loving family and on and on.

This envy causes trauma and loss for the envied one. It feels objectifying. It causes the envied to experience crippling self-doubt and wonder what is wrong with them. Many adult children of narcissistic parents report that they can’t give themselves credit, and feel they have to play themselves down with their families or loved ones. They don’t dare to be their authentic selves because it brings scorn and disapproval.

Some adult children of narcissists don’t easily recognize the envy because they grow up with this nagging internalized message of “I’m not good enough, no matter how hard I try.” They can’t imagine someone being jealous of them.

I find it interesting that the envied one is often the one trying to be helpful, friendly, caring, or a source of help giving active support to the envier. Think of the story of Cinderella. She cooks, sews, and cleans for her sisters, only to get their malice and envy.

When someone envies you, it is a challenge to point it out. It’s hard to put your finger on, similar to emotional and psychological abuse. You feel it, you know it is there, but the envier will never admit it and likely gaslight you if you bring it up. If your parents, loved ones, or family are envious of you, it can be devastating but ti may feel like there is nothing you can do about it.

You can’t control it. But you can take better care of yourself. You can practice giving yourself credit every day. You can work on building a filter to stop projections. You can choose to be around those who celebrate you and your authentic self. You can decide that it benefits no one for you to play small to make others feel better. The recovery of those affected by narcissism is founded on the careful rebuilding of a solid sense of self and authenticity.

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