What Do Children Need From Their Parents?

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It’s that time of year when we celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. It makes me pause to think about parenting and what children need emotionally from their parents. The physical needs of shelter, food, water, and clothing are a given. But what else do we need to think about as we shape children’s growing brains and personalities? Parenting is a massive responsibility with many challenges and many rewards and there are no perfect parents or families. Most parents want to do the best job possible and it behooves us to take a minute to think about our parenting values.

I write from the position of being a mental health provider for 40-plus years; I have treated thousands of children. I also write from the humble perspective of being an imperfect parent, as we all are, but always wanting to be better at this magnificent and sometimes overwhelming job.

To condense highly important parenting values is a challenge and even a bit presumptuous, I know. I take my lead from my research and writing about narcissism and narcissistic parenting. It guides me to work backward and think about what would be important for a parent to know so they don’t raise a narcissist. Narcissists are unhappy people with a very fragile ego, who can cause pain and chaos in relationships, so that’s a reasonable place to start.

When we think about what kind of human beings we want to raise, looking at our values is important. Although not an exhaustive list, let’s look at some top priorities.

1. Teach empathy and use empathic parenting. Empathy is the antithesis of narcissism. Teaching children about empathy, why it is important, and how to do it, are imperative. Modeling by parenting with empathy versus authoritarian parenting is a key. This means tuning into the emotional world of the child and caring about how they feel. If children feel heard and seen, they will feel respected and will understand better how to do this with others. Practicing with siblings is a built-in classroom. Teach them to be supportive, connected, and kind to each other.
2. Show children that you value yourself, so they learn to value themselves. Parents can pass on a lack of self-worth if they don't model it for their children. Many people walk around fighting the old negative message of “I am not good enough.” Working on oneself as a parent, doing your own recovery work, and activating self-care and self-compassion, will model that for your offspring.
3. Value the person of the child, not just their accomplishments. It’s wonderful and important to be proud of our children’s accomplishments, but you don’t want to give the message that what they do is more important than who they are. Value their personality traits, their acts of kindness, their honesty, integrity, sense of humor, intellect, and the way they treat other people. You are showing them that who they are is just as important as being a great baseball player, dancer, pianist, or student.
4. Teach and model accountability. Accountability is a cornerstone of sound mental health. Accountability for one’s actions builds a conscience and teaches remorse and humility. If you parent with a teaching perspective—that we can learn from our mistakes, and we all make mistakes—children can admit when they are wrong and not have to fear punishment. There can be reasonable consequences for behavior, but with a focus on what we can learn and how we can do better next time. Parents can also model accountability by admitting when they are wrong and apologizing.
5. Avoid teaching entitlement. Of course, our children and grandchildren are the best to us, and in our mind’s eye, they deserve the best. But it is important to teach kids that they are not better than the next person and that they do not deserve more than others. They should feel loved and cherished, but not be taught that they are superior to others. This can be modeled by a parent. For example, no one likes to stand in line and wait. But each line we stand in with our children is another classroom to teach that we don’t deserve better than the person in front of us.
6. Have a basic value system. Know your value system as a parent. Many clients draw a blank when I ask them what their value system is. What is important to you, what do you believe in, what do you want to teach your children, what kind of human being do you want to raise?
7. Be authentic and teach authenticity. Being authentic means being vulnerable enough to share and process your true feelings in the family and with others. Teaching children to identify and express their feelings is a true gift. This can be modeled and taught every day in a myriad of situations.
8. Establish a parental hierarchy. A parental hierarchy means you, the parent, are in charge and control. You are there to take care of your children and keep them safe. In dysfunctional families, children are often put in parentified roles to take care of their parents. Children feel most safe when they know you are clearly in charge and they know what you are doing. This means there are rules, and that you will make sure they are followed with empathic guidance.
9. Be consistent and predictable. Consistency and predictability are mainstays for solid parenting. We often tell parents to follow 3 C’s: Consistency, Consistency, Consistency. This again helps children feel safe and lowers anxiety levels. They need to know what to expect from their parents and their environment. Kids do best with rules, boundaries, and known expectations.
10. Keep the door open for future conversations. Most children will grow up not liking something about our parenting or their childhood. A defining difference between a narcissistic parent and a healthy parent is keeping the door open for conversations, healing, and expression of feelings. There should be some general rules of respect so that conversations are not about blame or shame but rather about learning and growing together. It’s also okay to disagree within the family if members can still respect each other’s feelings. Feelings can be validated and acknowledged without agreement; we may view things differently, and that’s okay. This is an art to be practiced.

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