The Value of Projecting Peace

“If you wish to experience peace, provide peace for another.” — Tenzin Gyatso, The 14^th Dalai Lama (1950-present)

“Let us ever remember that our interest is in concord, not in conflict; and that our real eminence rests in the victories of peace, not those of war." — William McKinley (1843-1901)

I came home one day to find a stranger putting up a yard sale sign on my front lawn. At first, I was fairly annoyed. What right did this guy have putting a sign on my lawn? I got out of my car and approached him, at which point he bristled, and I sensed a defiant attitude. I felt my limbic response kicking in, but then consciously shifted to my PFC, my pre-frontal cortex, the rational part of my brain able to assess a situation, execute a plan, and anticipate what would happen next if I did this now.

So, instead of being limbic, I kept it frontal.

In a calm and gentle tone, I asked what he was doing.

His response was defensive; he was putting his sign next to the fire hydrant by the front lawn, and since it was public property, he had a right to do so.

Rather than confront him, I joked that I really didn’t mind if he was putting up a sign, just as long as he wasn’t endorsing any political candidate I may oppose. He calmed, I calmed, and we began to engage in a rather remarkable conversation. In essence, and unspoken, I had forgiven his transgression of placing a sign on my lawn.[1] This is the power of respect.[2]

He was having a yard sale to clean out his basement, which was full of his late wife’s belongings. It had taken him three years to do so, and was an important acknowledgment of her death. Waiting for her to come down for breakfast one morning, he decided to bring her coffee in bed. He entered the room to find her peaceful, without an expression of pain or worry on her face, but unresponsive and not breathing. His eyes swelled with tears as he spoke, this man who, just a few moments before, had been a burly stranger engaged in a meaningless defensive posture.

This is the extraordinary power behind projecting peace and theory of mind. Theory of mind is the fundamental building block of all human interaction: We cannot see someone else’s mind, so we have to guess, to theorize, what they think or feel. It is the root of empathy. But what we really want to know is: What is that person thinking about me, and do they see me as valuable?

Had I continued my approach in anger, I would never have had the opportunity to establish a bond of trust between us and glimpse into my neighbor’s world. That stranger would have seen me as a threat, activated their limbic fight-flight-freeze response, and we would have cascaded down a relationship path of inevitable conflict.

By projecting peace, I sent a message that I was not a threat but instead was genuinely interested in who he was and why he was doing what he was doing, without judgment. That behavior communicated respect. Respect leads to value, and value leads to trust. And with that foundation of trust, he shared with me a compelling and truly moving story about his life, his loss, and his perception of a future without his love.

We live in a world of mistrust, but we can change that to a world of caring and compassion simply by seeing each other as doing the best they can. We don’t have to like it or condone it, and we can hold a person responsible for their actions. But we don’t need to judge them. We can wonder instead of worry, be reflective instead of reflexive, and always remind a person of their value.

I know this from personal experience, and I am sure that you, my reader, know this as well. Let’s do this. Together.