Infidelity May Be Getting Harder to Define

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Everyone has an idea of what constitutes cheating in a committed romantic relationship. Chances are, your definition of cheating seems logical, accurate, and obvious…to you. It’s easy to assume that your partner agrees with your assessment. Your definition is so clear and straightforward that it doesn’t even need to be discussed. Right? The truth isn’t so simple.

Definitions of infidelity are about as individualized as people themselves. Even researchers studying infidelity disagree on the parameters of cheating, making it difficult to pool their research results in a meaningful way.

In its most basic form, defining cheating may seem not that complicated. After all, most people agree that intercourse is cheating. But as a past U.S. president publicly argued, even oral sex may not be considered “sex” as traditionally defined. In the past, people made determinations about whether kissing, watching porn, and flirting were cheating. However, the technological advancements happening right before our eyes bring many more complicated scenarios about what constitutes infidelity. For example:

• Your partner plays a video game online just about every evening. Sometimes you end up going to bed before he stops playing because the game can consume him. He has seemed less interested in sex than he used to be, but you assumed it was because your relationship was no longer new. However, you walk into his room one evening to ask him a question and discover his avatar having onscreen intercourse with a female video game character. He seems embarrassed when you ask him what he’s doing. Is he cheating?
• Your phone was dead, and you needed some information quickly so you grabbed your partner's phone and opened it. She had shared her security code with you in the past, so you didn’t hesitate to log in. You were shocked and outraged when you read an explicit sext exchange between her and some other guy. After all, she never spoke like that with you, and further, you couldn’t believe she liked being talked to that way! Was there an entirely different part of her that she never let you see? Is she cheating?
• Your husband has a higher sex drive than you, and the two of you do your best to manage your desire discrepancy. Sometimes, though, it’s difficult for you to rally for sex. At the same time, you love him and want him happy and sexually satisfied in your relationship. You think all is good but realize that he’s using his VR glasses for more than video games. When you ask him, he acknowledges using his VR glasses to watch porn, and he sometimes even logs into OnlyFans to watch a woman masturbate. Is he cheating?

These are just some of the challenges experienced in 2024.

You probably don’t need to be a sex therapist to recognize that these vignettes aren’t uncommon. While research consistently supports the tendency of men to be more lenient about conceptualizations of infidelity than women, readers will all have different opinions about whether they are examples of infidelity. But these are just the complications of today. Further, some of today’s sex tech can already deliver more sexual stimulation than most human partners can provide. The sex tech of the future promises to provide us with even more intense and pleasurable opportunities for sexual satisfaction.

Looking Ahead

As the future of intimacy unfolds, couples will be challenged by even more complex cheating situations. For example, would you consider sex with a robot cheating? In one study, heterosexual women reported more jealousy at the idea of a partner having sex with a human partner than a sex robot, but more negative self-evaluations at the thought of a partner having sex with a robot due to the tendency to compare her human body to the “perfection” of a female robot’s body (Szczuka & Kramer, 2018). The authors concluded that the experience of jealousy is actually complex and multidetermined, with different aspects of jealousy being tapped when comparing human lovers to robotic ones.

As a sex therapist, I already work with many couples who disagree on whether something as simple as watching porn is considered cheating. I know these conversations are going to receive a colossal boost of complexity and angst as the future of sex tech unfolds. As we navigate the complexities of modern relationships, it is clear that the definition of cheating is highly subjective and deeply personal. What one person may view as a harmless act, another may see as a profound betrayal. This divergence in perspectives underscores the importance of open communication and mutual understanding in any relationship. As sex tech continues to evolve, offering new forms of intimacy and connection, these conversations will only become more critical. By addressing these issues head on and setting clear boundaries, couples can foster a stronger, more resilient bond, capable of weathering the inevitable challenges that lie ahead.