When a Friend Complains but Doesn't Want Advice

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

This has happened to me twice now. I’m 56 years old and have no children of my own. I have a dear friend whom I’ve kept in touch with long distance who has VENTED to me UMPTEEN times about her adult child who is gay and his lover, and her soon to be teenage daughter. I’ve listened and made suggestions and recently some serious issues have come up with her youngest who needs anger management.

So after listening to her rants I offered more advice to which I now get the response, “Don’t offer me advice on my children.” Yet I get pages of emails about these kids CONSTANTLY. We have been friends for a long time but this really has sent me over the edge with her.

My stepsister did the same thing to me—always bitching and griping about her kids and then turned around and told me not to offer her advice since I had no children of my own and did not have a clue. Really, now what? Thank you.

Signed, Karen

ANSWER

Hi Karen,

A few thoughts:

• Friends who are upset may need to vent—even it they aren’t necessarily ready to listen to your advice or make changes. In fact, although it may not seem that way, they may have heard and appreciated what you’ve told them.

• How often and how long you are willing to listen to someone who is constantly complaining about the same thing depends on your own patience and the strength of the bonds of friendship. Your tolerance can be tested if someone like your stepsister turns around and lashes out at you.

• It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. To offer advice, someone doesn’t have to experience the exact same problem as a friend. And it’s a natural instinct to try to offer solutions when someone you care about is upset.

Since you seem to value both these relationships, you may need to set some ground rules. With your friend, you might want to respond supportively but remind her that you know she doesn’t want your advice and you hope things improve. Remember that she is under pressure. Hopefully, you and she have other things to talk about and share.

With your stepsister, simply stop giving her advice unless she asks for it.

Try not to take these rebuffs too personally. Many parents bristle when other people, with or without children, offer advice. They often misperceive it as the other person questioning their parenting skills, which they may already feel insecure about.

Hope this helps.

My best, Irene