6 Things to Consider Before Reconciling with an Ex

After a breakup with a partner, many people eventually ask the question: Should I reconcile with the person? The answer can be difficult because reconciliation requires a mutual trust between two people. Without it, reconciliation is not possible. People might tolerate each other, or overlook faults to a degree, but they are not truly reconciled. Below, I suggest six points for reflection to assist you in making the decision.

Reconciliation Can Take Time

Reconciliation is not so simple to achieve if you have been betrayed and deeply hurt by a partner. It doesn’t just follow naturally from forgiving and seeking forgiveness. You have to take reconciliation—deep trust—inch by inch. Reconciliation requires patience on both person's part.

You need not have perfect trust right away to have a good relationship. Let the forgiving emerge. Let the reconciliation emerge.

Source: KuanShu Designs, used with permission

In reconciliation, be aware that trust takes time to build up if the hurts were deep or if the person came into the relationship with you already deeply wounded in the past by others. You might have to bear the pain of these past wounds in your partner, who might need time to heal. Forgiveness by your partner toward those who did the hurting likely will help in the emotional healing.

The Distinction Between Reconciling and Forgiving

Sometimes reconciliation is confused with forgiving the other person. Reconciliation cannot be the same as forgiveness because reconciliation is not a moral virtue. It does not originate within a person, but is a set of behaviors between people, which basically is the re-establishment of mutual trust.

We must be careful because reconciling and forgiving are seen as synonymous, with many people roundly criticizing forgiveness as dangerous and ill-advised, especially when there has been abuse of some kind.

Consider a research study of incest survivors (Freedman & Enright, 1996) in which female participants willingly chose to forgive. Were the researchers negligent to work with the women in forgiving the perpetrators? Might they have put these women in danger because, upon forgiving, they may want to blindly reconcile with the offenders? I think not for these reasons: First, to forgive is to first see that the other has offended. It is to see another’s weakness (or even meanness). To forgive is to become more rather than less accurately aware of injustices. Second, to forgive is to offer goodness toward an offender, within the limits of balance and safety. For example, one woman brought her two sons to the cemetery where her father was buried, and spoke kindly about him, not because of what he did but in spite of it. In other words, the father did have positive characteristics despite his deeply troubled and unacceptable behavior. One can forgive and not reconcile.

What to Look for in a Partner Who Has Acted Badly

Source: KuanShu Designs, used with permission

You can begin to trust when you see what I call the 3 Rs in the other: remorse (genuine inner sorrow seen in the other’s eyes), repentance (a spoken apology that flows from the genuine inner sorrow), and recompense (truly trying to right the wrong). Be patient, as these three in the other may take some time and your trust may build slowly. These three when truly present make room for the 4th R: reconciliation.

Remorse may be difficult to discern in your partner. Yet psychiatrist R.C. Hunter (1978) said that most of us, even without psychological training, can spot insincerity. In other words, if your partner is expressing sorrow, but your radar is going off that it is a false apology, listen to your inner wisdom. The remorse or inner sorrow may not be there to match the word spoken.

Recompense must be handled delicately because in some cases, full recompense is not possible. For example, if someone has been verbally insensitive to you for a year, the one who emotionally injured you is not powerful enough to somehow undo what occurred in the past. Yet fully stopping the verbal abuse now is a step in the right direction.

Forgive for the Secondary Wound of Damaged Trust

You certainly can forgive the person for actions that led to the breakup. In addition, and often overlooked by most people, you can forgive the person for damaging your trust. This is a secondary wound that we rarely realize we have living inside of us. Forgiving in this way can further reduce your anger.

Forgiveness Essential Reads

On Being Prepared to "Spontaneously" Forgive the Unexpected

6 Ways to Respond to a Partner’s Temper Tantrums

Source: KuanShu Designs, used with permission

False Forms of Reconciliation

If a person is using the idea of reconciliation to either dominate or to be dominated, then it is a false kind of reconciliation, and not reconciliation at all.

Here is an example of dominating with reconciliation: A person struggling with narcissism kept accusing his partner of being overly angry, even though this was not the case. She then temporarily left the relationship, needing some time alone because of the pain endured. Next, he proclaimed his forgiveness of her and insisted that because he forgave her for her "anger," then she is obligated to return to the relationship. When she said that she was not ready to return, he self-righteously left her, thinking that he was taking the moral high ground because she had an obligation to return as he forgave.

The other side of this issue is being dominated. As people fail to see the true distinction between forgiving and reconciling, they may go right back into a physically harmful relationship, thinking that this is what forgiveness requires.

In the end, both the decision to forgive, and the decision to come together again in mutual trust, are your choices and you should never be forced into them. The decision to forgive and reconcile is the offer to the other of a better way, of a better relationship. If the person sees your gift-giving and changes, this could lead to a qualitatively better relationship than you had in the past. If your partner refuses these gifts, you still can forgive, not reconcile, and be freed from a resentment (see Freedman & Enright, 2017; Reed & Enright, 2006) that otherwise could last for years.