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Key points
- When distance and fighting challenge a marriage, it is a good time to experiment with acts of kindness and generosity of spirit.
- Three ways to practice this include using timing and tact, maintaining a healthy ratio of positive to negative comments, and specific praise.
- Getting started and sticking with it are the most difficult aspects of warming things up.
Nothing will change in a marriage that has too much distance and fighting unless you warm things up first. While this may be the last thing you feel like doing, I invite you to experiment with acts of kindness and generosity of spirit.
The goal is not to put a patina of false brightness over real problems. Rather kindness and respect prepare the way for authenticity, truth-telling, and productive problem-solving. Consider doing one or more of these three things. Stay with it for three weeks.
1. Practice timing and tact
Speaking our minds and hearts is at the core of intimacy. We all long to have a marriage that is so relaxed and intimate that we can share anything and everything without thinking about it. Who wants to hide out in a relationship in which you can’t allow ourselves to be known?
The problem is that speaking out and being “honest” is not always a good idea. Sometimes in the name of authenticity and truth‐telling, we shut down lines of communication, diminish and shame the other person, and make it less likely that two people can hear each other or even stay in the same room. We may talk a particular subject to death, or focus on the negative in a way that draws us deeper into it.
Make wise and thoughtful decisions about how and when to say what to your partner. You may want to refrain from speaking when you’re feeling angry or intense, when your partner is in a bad mood, or when you simply don’t have his attention.
Timing and tact are not the opposite of honesty. When emotions are running high, timing and tact are precisely what make honesty possible.
2. Keep a healthy ratio of positive to negative comments
During the courtship stage—or the “Velcro Stage,” as I call it—we automatically focus on the positive. We know how to make our partner feel loved and valued and chosen. We may find our differences interesting or exciting, and overlook the negative.
The longer people are coupled up, the more this “selective attention” flips. Now we automatically pay attention to what we are critical about and that is what we notice and speak to. (“Why are you putting so much water in the pot for the pasta?” “Don’t you know that’s the wrong knife to cut a tomato”) We automatically fail to notice and comment on the positive. (“I loved the way you used humor to deal with your brother on the phone tonight.”)
Try to focus on the positive even if you’re feeling angry and resentful. Aim for a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions (marriage expert John Gottman’s formula for divorce prevention). If you’re feeling very angry with your partner, try the experiment just for one week and see what happens. Even a 2:1 ratio is a good start.
If you can’t find anything that’s positive to speak to in your partner, you’ve lost perspective. Every individual has some strength and goodness. Every person is better and more complex than the worst things he or she has done. Every relationship has some rewarding elements even if both partners have forgotten how to notice and comment on them.
Remember that you can communicate interest, generosity, and love in nonverbal ways, as well as with words and language. A simple gesture—a hand on a back, a nod, a smile—can make a person feel seen and cared for.
3. Speak to the specifics
Many partners do loving and heartwarming things. My husband, Steve, for example, brings me coffee in the morning, usually cooks dinner, and fixes every technological glitch with my computer. He often tells me how much he loves and admires me and how lucky he feels to be married to me. Except on his bad days, he always meets that 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.
But some years back when I was reading Ellen Wachtel’s book on couples, I realized that Steve had long ago stopped telling me the specific things he notices and admires, something he did a lot of when we first got together. I also realized that I wasn’t making these positive comments to Steve, either, not that he was complaining.
Interestingly, adults understand that children of all ages need praise for their specific qualities and behaviors. It’s not good enough to say, “You’re the greatest” and “I love you so much.” Kids also need to hear, “Great job sharing your toys!” or, “I think you were very brave to tell your friend how you felt when she didn’t invite you to her birthday party.”
A first I felt a little silly even wanting this kind of feedback from Steve. There’s a widespread belief that if you have solid self‐esteem you don’t need affirmation and praise from the outside. (This is patently untrue, by the way.)
I decided to model this behavior myself before asking Steve to make the effort. I experimented for several months with noticing and praising Steve for the specific things I had stopped noticing, or simply took for granted after decades of marriage (“You were so hilarious at the party last night!”). The more I expressed appreciation of Steve’s special strengths, the more deeply I appreciated him. Steve did the same for me when I requested it, but I gained the most by being the change I wanted to see.
Getting started and sticking with it are the hard parts. It may feel impossible to warm things up when you're the wronged party and have a long list of legitimate grievances. Actually, it's not impossible. It's just extremely difficult.
