Verified by 
Linda*, in her late 20s, is engaged to be married to a man whom she says is “a wonderful, wonderful guy.” The only problem is that while he has tons of friends, almost all of them are women. “I just can’t help being the tiniest bit jealous,” Linda says. “How in the world can a guy really be friends with all of these women?”
The question of whether or not men and women can be “just friends” came up often while I was interviewing women about their friendships for a recent book. Some said that their best friends were men. Others said that they were more comfortable with men than with other women. But I also heard that sexual attraction always got in the way of friendship. As one woman put it, “One of you is almost always going to be attracted to the other one. And the results are going to be a problem. If it’s mutual, and you act on it, then poof, end of friendship. And if it’s not mutual — well, someone’s feelings are going to get hurt.”
One group of researchers found that sexual attraction is one of the biggest problems for “cross-sex friendship.”
Researchers have also suggested that non-sexual friendships with women are harder for men.
But not everyone agrees. I have recently been interviewing men about their friendships, and although I do not have any statistics yet, I have heard with a surprising amount of regularity that men of many different ages value their friendships with women. As one man put it, “I can talk about feelings with my women friends in a way that I generally can’t with guys.” Furthermore, according to many of the men I’ve spoken with, the sexual attraction is not a deal-breaker: “I’m often attracted to my women friends, but that doesn’t mean we have to act on it. In fact, I’m pretty sure it would ruin the friendship if we did.”
Interestingly, many of the women I spoke with told me that their husbands were their best friends. They were often a little embarrassed about sharing that information, but research about successful marriages shows that couples who are friends with each other are twice as likely to have a positive married life than those who focus more on the romance or the sex!
The question of friendship across the sexual divide is particularly important these days, because men and women who are not potential romantic partners have much more contact with one another than in the past. As one group of researchers put it, “In many parts of the modern world, however, genetically unrelated men and women of reproductive age now interact in unprecedented ways: They work together, entertain their children together, play sports together, and pursue vocational training and hobbies together.”
Historically, men have moved forward and up in their careers at least in part through friendly relationships with other men — the common metaphor of playing golf with business partners having expanded to a wide range of activities with networking possibilities. If men and women cannot find ways to have friendships, such networking possibilities remain out of range for the majority of women, leaving them out of the loop for potential career growth.
So how can men and women negotiate the sometimes confusing and often complicated path of cross-sex friendship? Keeping the following three ideas in mind can help.
1. Maintain mutual respect. Many of the men and women I’ve spoken to say that shared values, senses of humor, and interests led to their friendships. But they have all said that respecting one another was crucial to making the relationship work. This means paying attention to what your friend wants and needs from the friendship, and expecting them to do the same for you. It means recognizing and respecting differences between what you want as well. It also means not feeling entitled.
Such respect is easier in some cultures than in others. For instance, one businesswoman I interviewed who had grown up in China said that she felt that it was much easier to be friends with men when the culture promotes equality between men and women. But putting away feelings of entitlement, and moving into a world of mutual consideration and understanding is crucial to any friendship. And with friendships across sexes, it is perhaps even more important.
2. Protect boundaries. This is not totally different from being respectful. It means recognizing the limits of friendship and not putting unfair demands on one another. It also means having the right to say “no” and to put limits on one another in ways that make the friendship work. One man told me that a woman friend started calling him in the middle of the night, because she was lonely. For him, that felt like an intrusion into his life that was outside of the bounds of friendship. He spoke to her about it and told her that he felt uncomfortable with the late-night calls. She was so upset that it became clear that while he had thought they were “just friends,” she had thought it was more. Protecting boundaries means recognizing the differences between friendship and romance.
3. Clarify your feelings when necessary. It’s not always necessary or even good to talk about everything. This advice might sound surprising coming from a psychotherapist, but sometimes it is better not to talk about things! But good communication is important to relationships. When there’s a glitch, it’s often good to put into words what you’re thinking and to ask your friend to do the same. It’s important to be honest, even if you worry that you might hurt someone’s feelings. Friendship can only survive if both of you are on the same page. Romantic comedies aside, if one of you secretly maintains a hope that it might become romantic while the other has no interest in going there, someone is going to get hurt.
Following these guidelines not only helps you manage and maintain friendships across the sexes, but it can also benefit your other relationships. For example, when Lucy spoke directly with her husband about her worries about his friendships with other women, but without attacking him or disrespecting him, he was able to make it clear that he had no interest in crossing boundaries with his women friends. In fact, she told me, “I realized that his caring feelings about other women were part of what made him so wonderful as a husband! And I also realized that I had a part of him that he wasn’t sharing with anyone else.” Not only did she become more accepting of his women friends, but over time, many of them became her friends as well.
*names and identifying info changed to protect privacy
copyright fdbarth@2019
