Successfully Navigating Opposing Political Views

Conflict and disharmony within relationships is inevitable. We are a social species, and for centuries we’ve relied on each other to get our basic needs met and obtain feedback and learn about the world, others, and ourselves. In our closest or longest relationships, we’ve had more time to develop strong neural pathways—messenger pathways in the brain that facilitate quick responses. The more often those neural pathways are activated, the more readily they become our go-to paths to responding to people. You can think of your neural pathways like water flowing down a rocky stream: the rocks get smoother with time, allowing the water to move faster.

Of course, when it comes to our reactions and interactions with people, speed isn’t always of benefit. At times of heightened stress and in the face of divisive politics and fiercely opposed viewpoints, well-worn neural pathways are easier for the mind to traverse; they serve as shortcuts—even if where they lead isn’t helpful or values-aligned.

Because of these mechanisms, some of our closest and longest relationships can evoke the strongest reactions in us and contribute to longstanding regrets. In the midst of discussing differing political perspectives, your mind may make rapid assumptions, jump to conclusions, and assume the worst in the other person. Additionally, when the topic is close to the heart or controversial, we’re more prone to experiencing stronger emotions that can jolt us into reactively blurting something out.

Discussing politics with people you know have different views and steadfast opinions about them can feel treacherous, like walking barefoot in a room full of mousetraps. But as much as we may want to avoid conflict, sometimes it’s inevitable. Ironically, conflict presents an opportunity to learn more deeply about another’s point of view. This is where emotional intelligence comes in. Reflective listening is a foundational component of emotional intelligence that aims to understand another’s perspective, even if it differs from your own. Just as you want to be heard and understood, so too does the other person. Reflective listening can support you in more effectively having challenges conversations and reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings and a heated exchange.

What Is Reflective Listening?

Reflective listening is a well-studied communication skill used to aid understanding during conversations, inform your listener that you are fully present, or summarize what’s been said to prevent misunderstandings. It is especially useful in preventing and resolving conflict.

There are four goals in reflective listening:

1. Obtain clarity on what the speaker is communicating.

2. Reassure your listener you are listening.

3. Help the speaker clarify what they want to express to you.

4. Help the speaker feel understood by you.

Reflective listening involves interpreting what you believe the speaker has said or asking questions to ensure you understood them correctly. Or it can entail sharing an emotion you hypothesize the speaker is feeling to get feedback on if you’re correct.

What really can’t be overemphasized here is that reflective listening does not involve judgment or unsolicited advice—both can feel invalidating and shut down a speaker, creating relationship ruptures. Instead, reflective listening is focusing on learning more, not on sharing your perspective or providing input.

Putting Reflective Listening Into Practice

To be successful in practicing reflective listening, you will need to:

• Listen more than you talk.
• Be fully present and engaged with your listener.
• Respond to the emotions and thoughts being directly expressed.
• Rephrase and clarify what the speaker has said.
• Avoid giving advice, expressing criticism or judgment, or saying what you feel, believe, or want.
• Use a curious tone of voice, and avoid a tone that sounds judgmental, harsh, or critical.

The two primary techniques for using reflective listening are mirroring and paraphrasing. Mirroring involves repeating key phrases you hear the speaker saying. For instance, you might say something like, “This has been frustrating and alienating for you,” or “I can really appreciate that you’re tired of feeling misunderstood for your political views.” When you use mirroring, it helps your listener feel closer to you because you’re conveying with clarity that you are indeed giving them your full, undivided attention and you understand what they mean to convey.

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Paraphrasing, on the other hand, involves repeating a summary version of the emotions or thoughts you believe the speaker is attempting to communicate. For instance, if you hear, “No one understands my position in all this and I’m sick of shouting it from the rooftops,” you might paraphrase by saying, “You’re feeling misunderstood and frustrated.” This reflective listening skill is important because sometimes we think we comprehend correctly, but when we check in, we learn more or obtain clarity. Paraphrasing also helps keep our assumptions about what’s being said or judgments about the other person at bay, as we are holding ourselves to a commitment to really hearing and keeping our attention on what is being said, not on our interpretation of it.

As you’ll note from the example given (“You’re feeling misunderstood and frustrated”), what is being reflected back are thoughts or emotions. Once you, as the listener, and the person you’re speaking with have confirmed that you’re on the same page about what’s been said and its impact on them, you can then decide what else you want to learn more about.

Because reflective listening can take many forms, some examples of each type are offered below, to help you get the hang of it:

Mirroring

• What I’m hearing you say is…
• You’re wondering if…
• You’ve been curious about…
• You feel like…

Paraphrasing

• You’re feeling X because…
• What’s been most difficult is…
• You’re feeling torn because on the one hand you think (or feel) X, and on the other hand you think (or feel) Y.

Now you’re ready to give it a try. Start practicing this skill first with a trusted loved one, someone who will be kind to you if you make a misstep. This should also be someone who will give you honest and constructive feedback about how you did. Then, once you’ve got at least a few reflective listening phrases down, use them during challenging conversations and in relationships with unresolved tension or conflict.

Reflective listening can provide a salve to ongoing disagreements. It helps us slow down and focus on learning more about another’s point of view, while also protecting the relationship from another heated argument.