Emotions Make Us Healthy Humans

“Get over it.” “Walk it off.” “It will pass.”

How many of us have heard this? The general message of our culture is to dismiss or control your emotions—emotions are bad, and no one wants to hear about them or see your suffering. Neuroscience has demonstrated that emotions are a key part of the human experience. They are a big piece of what has helped us to survive this long in the world: fight, flee, freeze. Emotions are not inherently good or bad, but they are inherently human. To deny them is to deny part of our experience. Research has shown that dealing with emotions in a healthy manner, what we call “processing,” helps us live healthier and happier lives. And the opposite is true: not dealing with emotions leads to unhealthy consequences, health problems, and even premature death.

We are in a mental health crisis that the recent pandemic has only worsened. As mental health care providers and neuroscientists, we have seen an explosion of people struggling—increased alcohol and substance abuse, increased rates of depression and anxiety, mass shootings, and even suicide. Strong emotions are normal in response to all that is going on in the world, including war, interpersonal violence, racial trauma and discrimination, and sexual trauma. All of these experiences bring on intense emotions that our society labels as “bad” or something that you have to ignore, control, or get rid of. But emotions are not “good” or “bad”. They are signposts. They require attention and time.

How do we move through strong emotions from difficult or traumatic experiences? For the last three decades, we have had the honor of working with trauma survivors and learning from them about their struggles, successes, and challenges. This work provides key lessons for recovery following complex and ongoing trauma. Over and over, we have seen how emotions when pushed down or avoided fuel a cancer of dysfunction (anger, anxiety, violence, alcohol or substance misuse) while emotions when approached, experienced, shared, and made present dissipate and allow for growth and progress.

How prolonged exposure therapy helps
This may be best illustrated in what we do working with Veterans with PTSD using prolonged exposure therapy, an evidence-based treatment we have helped create and refine in our years as clinicians. The core of prolonged exposure is revisiting the memory and approaching the emotion in session and again between sessions. The patients we work with share the stories of the worst moments of their lives and we are honored to witness. Telling these haunting memories of combat or sexual assault or physical violence to us and feeling the emotions that go with them allows survivors to move through a process and get to a better place. Feel It. Stay With It. Share It. Let It Go.

They feel the emotions connected to the memory or memories. They stay with those emotions to really stay present with the memory and consider all the event details in a new way. They share the memory with us in discussion about what they think about themselves and what happened and how those thoughts may change as they approach instead of avoiding the memory. Finally, they let it go, once the memory is no longer haunting them. We and our wonderful and kind therapists help exorcise their demons. They usually develop a different understanding of what the event means to who they are now. Then they are able to let it go and not be stuck in the memory. This is the way to recover from difficult experiences.

Emotions can be hard and it is natural to want to avoid painful emotions, but there is no way to the other side of the pain except through it. It is similar to the grief process, there is no way to the other side of the pain except through it. While many trauma survivors avoid making this journey through the memory to process their experience, it keeps them stuck and unable to move forward and experience positive emotions. Even if you have not experienced trauma, we all have unpleasant memories that need work to be properly filed away or dealt with, so they do not intrude on our daily lives—sometimes in ways we may not even realize. We need to tell our tough stories over and over.

How to approach a memory
This can happen through talking with others about them, journaling, or recording the memory as we talk through it verbally. There is no wrong way to approach a memory as long as you are letting yourself approach it and feel the emotions brings it. We need to let ourselves feel the emotions that go along with those stories and stay with them. This does not mean trying to fix what happened or figuring out a way it could have been better or how we did the right things or did not do the right things. No what iff-ing! It is simply being present with the emotions that are there and having compassion for yourself in that tough time.

In addition to approaching emotions on our own, it can also help to share our stories with others in our families and communities and connect with others. Through sharing we rebuild relationships and buttress our support network. We see who will be there for us now and in the future even with our wrinkles and warts and our range of emotions. We listen to the stories of others when we share our stories that strengthen communities and build resilience. We learn that we don’t have to be alone in our pain. Finally, once we have done all of this, we can move toward letting it all go. Loss and sadness will always be there, but we do not have to be stuck in those moments forever. We can remember without having to feel retraumatized, and we can move back into our lives to begin what comes next.

Feel it, stay with it, share it, and let it go. The more we are able to embrace these core tenets of healing, teaching ourselves and our society to approach emotions rather than avoid them, the more satisfying and fulfilling our lives will be. We need to be there for others, but most importantly, we need to show up for ourselves.