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Key points
- Verbal abuse of children appears to be increasing.
- Modern society and culture often normalize abuse among adults in the workplace and politics.
- Research documents verbal abuse as causing significant harm, but failing to get results.
- Sports scientists have found what words and phrases get results and enhance performance.
While we all know what “insults” are and are familiar with them, few of us think about the efficacy of “external cues.” In this article, we look at the research on insults to see whether or not they are a results-oriented method to achieve a variety of outcomes. Afterward, we explore research into external cues and other ways to communicate when striving for improvement and success.
There appears to be an unspoken belief or an open secret that insulting others is an effective tool on the path to greatness. The professional world is overrun with insulting in all forms: shaming in front of colleagues, blocking opportunities, threatening, ignoring, using a double standard, refusing feedback, spreading rumors, generating smear campaigns, etc.
Politics is rife with public blaming and humiliating, referring to opponents with derogatory language, swearing at others, interrupting, refusing to listen, and talking over someone’s point rather than responding. In this climate, it’s hardly surprising to learn that while physical and sexual abuse of children is on the decline, emotional abuse is increasing.
Research documents the link between verbal abuse and poor health
In a recent systemic review of 20 or so years of research commissioned by the Words Matter charity, experts document the significant harm caused by verbally abusing children and youth. In their meta-analysis, they also note that this destructive conduct is so normalized that it is increasing.
In a culture where adults—whether online or in person—publicly insult or denigrate one another as an apparent strategy to change another’s thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors or simply express disgust and outrage, it appears that parents have absorbed this mentality and use verbal abuse to get results with their children. Even some teachers and coaches, whom one assumes have professional training in child health and development, resort to verbal abuse as if it’s an effective approach to education and training.
Parents may use put-downs, sharp words, cutting comments, yelling, and berating with the plan to make their children behave or achieve. Teachers might resort to shaming a student in front of their peers with the hope that it makes them try harder or focus better. Some coaches pride themselves on their fiery rhetoric that is meant to convey their passion for the game and their goal to push athletes out of their comfort zone so that they can excel.
What does the research say about the words we use?
The Words Matter systemic review foregrounds the 2019 American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children, who define psychological abuse as including the use of words or behaviors that “convey a child is worthless, defective, damaged goods, unloved, unwanted, endangered, primarily useful in meeting another’s needs, and/or expendable.” They specify that spurning “includes both verbal and non-verbal caregiver acts that reject and degrade a child through belittling, degrading, shaming, ridiculing, singling out a child and criticizing, humiliating in public, and other nonphysical forms of hostile or rejecting treatment.”
Spurning is normalized not only in social media but, more importantly, in prestigious political positions all the way down to the playground, where children mimic the adults in their world, unleashing this harm upon one another. Surely, this behavior is what gets results, or why would it be so often used? The research says that, in fact, not only is there zero evidence that it gets results, but the opposite is true: It does serious harm.
What are the results of insulting children?
Not healthy behavior, not good conduct, not achievement in any area of their lives, no, childhood verbal abuse is correlated with a long list of suffering that lasts. The Words Matter experts looked at decades of research that documents that verbal abuse is linked to anxiety, depression, substance abuse, obesity, aggression, conduct disorders, dislike of school, poor peer relationships, chronic disease, and more.
Surely, there are few parents, teachers, or coaches who use verbal abuse for harm. It’s time we familiarize ourselves as a society with the research that lays out clearly, year after year, study after study, that using our words to insult, bully, and shame does not get positive results. It only gets very serious health and mental health outcomes.
If it is true that our motivation in how we speak to adults and children is to get results on the path to achievement and success—whether in the workplace, politics, or education in all forms—then it’s time to learn what researchers have discovered about being intentional and thoughtful in how we communicate.
What words help elite athletes improve?
A 2024 study that draws on and engages with extensive research by colleagues examined what types of coaching phrases most effectively increased athletic skills in a group of elite academy professional soccer players in their teens. Notably, they did not use any insults as a way to encourage improvement. Instead, they tried a series of internal cues, external cues, and “analogies with a directional component.”
All of us could learn key communication strategies from the sports scientists who intensively study how to create talent hotbeds, success-driven cultures, and winning athletes and teams. What they learned from this study is that how a young athlete is directed by words is key to whether or not they improve their performance.
They tried out the neutral coaching tip: “Jump as high as you can.” Then they tried out an internal cue: “As you jump, focus on extending your legs.” This focuses the athletes on themselves. Then they tried an external cue: “As you jump, focus on pushing the ground away.” The external cue encouraged the athletes to see themselves as part of the environment. It got them out of their heads. It stopped them from zeroing in on their own isolated attempts to improve.
Finally, they used an analogy that moved them away: “Jump as if the ground is suddenly hot and you have to get off it as quick as possible.” Past research has shown that giving a coaching directive that focuses the athlete’s attention on moving “towards” rather than “away” is more effective so they also tried a forwards analogy: “Jump as if you are trying to catch a ball overhead at its highest point.”
Their study showed that athletes perform better when they are given external cues connecting them to the bigger picture. They also perform better with an analogy that orients them forward toward what they are striving to achieve. All of us can apply this intentional method in how we speak to one another and especially in how we speak to children. We can replace outdated insults with a coaching mentality that strives to improve another’s performance. We can choose phrases that connect instead of isolating and position towards a goal instead of away from it.
References
Dube, S., Li, E., Fiorini, G., Lin, C. Singh, N., Khamisa, K., McGowan, J., & Fonagy, P. (2023). “Childhood verbal abuse as a child maltreatment subtype: A systematic review of the current evidence.” Child Abuse and Neglect 144.
Moran, J., Allen, M., Butson, J., Granacher, U., Hammami, R., Clemente, F., Klabunde, M., & Sandercock, G. (2024). “How effective are external cues and analogies in enhancing sprint and jump performance in academy soccer players?” Journal of Sports Sciences.
