3 Steps to Figure Out Why Someone Is Flirting With You

When someone flirts with us, we may be curious about their intentions. Do they really like us? Are they just being playful? Do they just want a quick hookup?

It is hard to decide whether we want to flirt back ourselves until we know. As a result, it is important to know why people flirt in general–and how those reasons can lead to different flirting behaviors. Thus, by looking at how someone is flirting with us, we can make an educated guess as to why they are flirting and what they want from us too.

Why People Flirt

People flirt for a variety of reasons. Fortunately, research by Henningsen and colleagues (Henningsen, 2004; Henningsen et al., 2008) categorized them into six primary flirting goals. Those categories are:

• Exploring: Seeing whether there is a possibility for a connection of some kind.
• Relational: Endeavoring to strengthen or deepen a relationship.
• Sexual: Trying to have sex.
• Fun: Enjoying the excitement of flirting.
• Esteem: Seeking to feel better about one's own self-worth.
• Instrumental: Persuading to get some favor or assistance.

Between those categories, there are some important motivational differences to consider. For example, is that flirty stranger exploring the possibility of dating you or simply looking for uncommitted sex? Is your coworker flirting just to have fun, or do they want to ask for a favor? Has your long-time friend started flirting because they have deeper feelings for you, or do they just want the ego boost of knowing you want them? Fortunately, because there is a link between why people flirt and how they flirt, we can tease apart those types of motivations!

How People Flirt

Through a series of dissertation studies, Wiedmaier (2014) explored the connection between flirting behavior and motivation. Initial results indicated that overt flirting behaviors were better predictors of relational, sex, and exploration reasons for flirting. Specifically, an individual who flirts for romance or sex appears more likely to ask for things directly, such as a phone number, a dance, or a date. They are also likely to tell a partner they find them attractive, compliment their appearance, and buy them a drink. In addition, they might be inclined to use a pickup line or blow someone a kiss to break the ice too.

Further results suggested that different behaviors could also help distinguish among each of the six categories of flirting. Specifically, those results noted:

• Involvement behaviors predicted relational motives. Individuals who desire a relationship seem to flirt by starting a conversation, telling others about themselves, and asking questions. They also maintain the conversation by trying to be humorous, rewarding, and expressive.
• Sex motives were predicted by touching behaviors. Individuals who are flirting for sex want to get close by whispering, "accidentally" touching, or even grabbing a hand and pulling someone in closer. From there, they may hug, touch a cheek or neck, and even kiss a flirting partner.
• Exploration motives depended on whether individuals were focused on relationships or sex. If they wanted a relationship, they talked. If they wanted sex, they touched.
• Attentive behaviors best predict fun motives. Fun flirts made a lot of eye contact, leaned in close, and smiled frequently. They also nodded more in response and used hand gestures too.
• Indirect behaviors predicted instrumental motives. People who wanted a favor tended to touch themselves more, mentioned their own good points, looked downward, and crossed their legs.
• Low involvement and high indirect behaviors best predicted esteem motives. Specifically, those looking for an esteem boost did not make many conversations or ask a lot of questions (low involvement), but they did touch themselves and share some positive things about themselves, too (indirect).

Evaluating Flirting Motives

The research results above suggest that we might be better able to interpret someone's flirting motives by looking at their behavior. Further, we can evaluate those behaviors through a few simple steps. Specifically:

1. Are they being overt? Individuals who are performing obvious behaviors that show interest, like asking you out directly or using a pickup line, tend to be looking for either sex or a relationship. That is because these types of behaviors tend to take things to the next step, into something more emotionally or sexually intimate. In contrast, those who only want a favor, an esteem boost, or some fun want to keep things friendly and casual. Therefore, they will flirt in other ways but will not directly and overtly move the relationship forward.
2. Are they talking or touching? If they are really talking to you to build attraction and make a connection, then they may be interested in a more emotionally intimate relationship with you. However, if they are getting close and touching you, they may have a more physical and sexual interest in you instead. If they are talking, asking about you, and touching too, then they might be exploring the possibility of both love and sex with you as well.
3. Are they attentive, indirect, or uninvolved? Individuals who are not actively pursuing love or sex are often just having fun, wanting an esteem boost, or looking for a favor. If they are being very attentive, leaning in, making eye contact, and enjoying themselves, then they are most likely just having fun. In contrast, if they are more closed off and indirect but trying to make a good impression, they are either looking for a favor or feeling better about themselves. You can tell the difference between the two by their level of involvement. Those who want a favor will talk more, eventually getting around to asking for something. Those who want to simply feel better will talk less and enjoy whatever attention you are giving them without asking for anything specifically.

© 2022 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.