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Relationships
4 Tips for Making Difficult Conversations Easier
A little preparation can make tough conversations more likely to go well.
Posted October 6, 2024 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- Difficult conversations can bring up a lot of fear in both you and your partner.
- Rather than starting one impulsively, plan what you want to say and how you want to say it.
- Pick a good time for the conversation, then offer your partner control over whether to have it then.
Quick! What’s one thing that everybody tries to avoid even when it’s absolutely necessary?
That is, besides getting a root canal?
It’s initiating a difficult conversation with one's partner.
Practically no one looks forward to initiating a difficult conversation. (If you’re someone who does, we might be a bit concerned about you.) That’s because difficult conversations, by definition, are emotionally risky and challenging. The conversation might go badly. You might hurt your partner with what you say. You might get hurt by how your partner reacts. The whole endeavor might shake the foundations of your relationship, or lead to an unbridgeable impasse. No wonder people avoid having them.
Nevertheless, there are times when having a difficult conversation is necessary to maintaining a close, emotionally connected and intimate relationship. There comes a point when pretending that everything’s okay just doesn’t work anymore. On the positive side, getting through a difficult conversation successfully makes intimate relationships stronger, more stable and more emotionally intimate. As John Amodeo, our fellow Psychology Today blogger, so aptly stated, "Authentic, open, trustworthy communication is the life-blood of an intimate relationship."
So how do you do it? Especially when your partner’s someone who’s good at avoiding things?
As with many difficult things in life, the chance of it going smoothly and well is greatly improved by setting the proper stage ahead of time. Here are a few tips for going about having a difficult conversation that will make it just a bit easier.
It’s All About Emotional Safety
Let’s go a little “meta” first before we plunge in. In a normal, non-abusive relationship, the main issue when approaching a difficult conversation is emotional safety—for both of you. You’re scared of talking about this with your partner—but so are they.
Angry defensiveness almost always masks fear. Take a moment to think about what you’re planning to do from the perspective of your partner.
If you’re bringing up a serious complaint, it means you’re not totally happy with them. Nobody likes feeling like their partner is unhappy with them. Your partner might feel like they can’t change what you want them to change, which could mean that they’ll never be able to make you happy. Scary!
If you’re bringing up a life problem, they may feel like it’s “impossible” to solve, so it’s less painful simply to avoid it. Or the two of you may have real differences of opinion on an important matter. In that case, both of you may be afraid of being overpowered by the other.
Whatever their reaction is, it most likely includes a good measure of fear. That’s why it’s so important to focus on creating more emotional safety. How do you do that? Here are four tips:
Don’t Just Blurt It Out
Have you ever done this? You hold back and hold back and hold back about something bothering you and then—wham!—your partner puts too much avocado on your toast and it all comes tumbling out. Sometimes that works out OK, but other times, the whole conversation becomes all about your “overreaction,” and not about what’s actually bothering you.
Why do these outbursts happen? First, because fear makes you hold back until you can’t anymore, and second, because that same fear makes you doubt whether you have the right to express what you feel at all. But you do have the right to express what you feel. Decide that you’re going to have the conversation, and wait for a moment when you and your partner are in a good frame of mind.
Get Clear Within Yourself
Clarify in yourself the essential things you want to get across—and get clear that they are important. Often, when we’re afraid of “rocking the boat,” we tell ourselves that what we have to say isn’t “really” important. But if you’re thinking about it over and over and over, running dialogues in your head about it all the time instead of talking to your partner, then it is important.
Once you’re clear that it’s important, clarify in your mind what you definitely want to get across.
Too often, in the heat of the moment, we “thought-block.” Or we may get sidetracked by our partner, who avoids the topic at hand by bringing up some side issue that we then defensively react to. (We’re sure you’ve seen this happen. You may have once used this trick yourself.)
It’s OK to be flexible and let the conversation go in different directions—but remember that you have something specific to communicate that’s really important to you.
Pick a Good Time—and Then Offer Choices
Find a time when you can count on some privacy and neither of you are overly exhausted, stressed or emotionally upset. One possible time may be when you’re already having an enjoyable (but not too enjoyable, as in romantic) conversation. You can then say, “There’s something I’ve been meaning to bring up with you. Should I bring it up now, or would you rather I do it later? When would be a good time?”
This gives your partner some time to prepare—and some control. You may have been thinking about this for a long time, but they probably haven’t. They’re less likely to feel caught off-guard, and you won’t then be accused of “ambushing” them. (By the way, they’re probably going to either say “now,” or “give me a few minutes.”)
Lead With Vulnerability
Signal your good intentions and make yourself less threatening by being vulnerable first. You might say, ”I’m nervous to bring this up because I’m afraid you won’t like it” or “…that you’ll be angry with me.”
It’s very hard for any normal person to react angrily toward their partner after their partner’s just told them they’re afraid of making them angry.
Another thing you can say is, “I know you don’t like talking about this—it’s not easy for me either —but I really want to talk about it so we can be closer to each other/work better together.” That both acknowledges that you understand how they feel, and that your intention in talking is to “get closer” or become a better team “together.”
This alone can help your partner feel calmer, less tense, and more open to what you have to say.
These four tips should make it easier to begin a difficult conversation and have it go successfully. In an upcoming post, we’ll offer some tips on what you can do during the conversation to make it as constructive and fruitful as it can be and prevent it from going south.
But you may not need to know all that. If you follow the points above, you may already be on your way to having a very successful difficult conversation.
