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Key points
- It's easy to get overwhelmed by holiday details; take charge by deciding what you want to do.
- Resist the impulse to please by saying yes to every invitation unless you're up to it.
- Anticipate problems in gatherings if you've experienced them before and confront them.
- Don't compare your holiday to anyone else's.
.jpg?itok=DI_AmUHr "Source: Roberto Nickscon / Unsplash")
For all that it's billed as the happiest time of the year, most people report increased stress during the holiday season, as study after study has shown. I think that the enforced cheer of piped-in music doesn't help, or the fact that signs of the season seem to appear earlier and earlier (Macy's 34th Street store was decked out in full Christmas gear on November 6), but the stress can come from lots of places, including financial burdens.
Take these tips as reminders to yourself that you have choices.
9 Proactive Ways to Deal With Holiday Stress
1. Figure out what you want your holidays to look like. If you're the person who thrives on running hither and yon, that's up to you. Still, most of us need a balance of social interaction and personal downtime, especially for those who find social interactions difficult. You may find yourself under pressure to deliver a perfect holiday, which may be impossible if you still have small children or a job that isn't giving you a week off. Or if you are older and don't have the energy.
Tailor your plans to fit your life and obligations, and you'll not just have a better time, but things will go more smoothly.
2. Feel free to curate your obligations; you can say "no." This is part of figuring out what you and yours want from this holiday season, and it's important to remember that you don't have to accept every invitation proffered. No, you're not being a Scrooge or a Grinch, but sometimes, what you've been invited to adds another layer of stress.
The whole point of an RSVP is that there are two answers.
3. Be a hostess, not a cook. Yes, I know everyone who cooks likes to show off—back in the day, I made hugely elaborate meals—but, sometimes, you have to weigh whether it's really worth it having you stuck in the kitchen slaving because you refuse to use shortcuts.
Reminder: If your guests wanted to be at Martha Stewart's house, they'd probably find a way of wrangling an invitation. And if the food is all-important to some of your guests—if a store-bought pie is going to freak them out as they've made it clear in the past---maybe it's time to cull the guest list.
Holidays are about gathering people together, not bake-offs. Plan a meal that allows you to do the work in stages so you can sip a glass of wine as the turkey roasts or ham bakes.
4. If a gathering has been historically "difficult," anticipate the problems. This might be a family gathering or one you or your partner feel socially obligated to attend. While you cannot control how other people act and behave, you can decide how you will react if history repeats itself; the advantage is that you won't be reacting off the cuff but according to plan.
Remember that it is possible to exit an unpleasant conversation politely; excuse yourself and walk away.
If the gathering usually becomes a tinderbox, consider dropping in for a short period; if your hosts don't like that, perhaps offer your regrets and skip it entirely. If it's been abusive in the past, the chances are high it will be again.
Remember, again, that the season is your holiday season. You are not obliged to follow someone else's agenda, even if that person is a parent.
5. Realize that enforced holiday cheer often throws problems into high relief. Being bombarded with images of happy and contented families can underscore how your own family isn't precisely problem-free. Do separate the wheat from the chaff and recognize that the season's pressures may highlight behaviors you find easier to ignore at other times of the year.
This doesn't mean, of course, that you should accept verbally abusive behavior because it's the holidays. No one appointed you a peacekeeper.
6. Do less, but put your all into what you do. It's really easy to overextend yourself during the holiday season. While it works for some people, many are better off shutting down their competitive spirits and doing just a few things that will bring people closer and make for an enjoyable time. You can make a gingerbread house; you don't need to present a village.
7. Anticipate gift-giving pitfalls and be ready for them. Money is a symbolic counter both in the culture generally and in groups, especially families, in which an individual's supposed "worth" can be reflected in the cost or the opulence of a gift, which is genuinely unfortunate; this is especially true in families where favoritism is out in the open.
Mind you, this is one thing when it happens to an adult and quite another when it happens to a child or grandchild. In interviews for my book Verbal Abuse, wildly disparate gifts for favored grandchildren were sometimes the cause for estrangement because the gesture was so deliberate. Think dirt bikes for two kids and socks for the others.
If this has been a pattern in the past, bring it up now and make it clear that the behavior is not OK with you. Your parents can gift what they please, but your priority is ensuring your children's feelings aren't hurt. If that's an issue, perhaps you need to rethink the visit.
8. Take social media (and newsletters) with a grain of salt. 'Tis the season to be bragging, and you should glance at Facebook and Instagram with full knowledge of how curated all these happy and oh-so-perfect images are. This season is the perfect time to give social media a rest.
9. If you are estranged from your family of origin, it's your story to tell (or not). Whether it's idle curiosity or being a gossip, people often get invasive about inquiring about holiday plans. Remember that you are not obligated to answer questions you don't want to, and that you can also be as vague as you wish. As I have written, adult child and parent estrangement isn't a rarity, so it's not your cue to be ashamed. Truth.
Copyright© Peg Streep 2023
