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Key points
- The roles you once played prior to the loss may no longer have a place.
- Role confusion during grief may lead to uncertainty on how to interact with people, which may cause them to be unsure how to interact with you.
- This process is not about forgetting. It is about learning to remember peacefully.
“Every day, just like me, grief puts on a new face.”
– Charlie Doherty
The roles you play are vast and varied. They are accumulated by you through all the developmental experiences and choices you make throughout the life cycle. The decision to be in a partnership, to be a parent, to become a professional, or to involve the self in any of these life decisions, frames who you are and the roles you identify with.
I can hear you asking, "What does this have to do with grief?" My answer to you is: everything. Your relationships with others develop your personality and sense of self.
Grief comes in like a lion. Often unexpected, and even when it is expected, what comes next feels unreal; as if you have been attacked by something for which there is no immediate resolution. The roles you once played prior to the loss may no longer have a place. Yet, if you have been in those roles for a long time, not having them actively aligned with the life you now have can make every part of your being feel internally confused.
The question: Who am I now that I am no longer a parent, a partner, a caretaker, or a daughter?
If the losses involved the loss of a parent, and it was the last parent, it may feel as if you are orphaned. If your partner died or there was a divorce, the question arises, “Who am I without being in the role I was in during that partnership?" If you are no longer needed to be a caretaker of a parent or child, the effect of losing that role may leave you facing a double loss, the loss of the role, and the loss of the parent or the child.
How do I relate to others now? Will I have to take on new roles?
Role-confusion
Another phase of grief may be considered the "role-confusion phase". There are many ways through which role-confusion keeps you stuck. This phase leads to uncertainty in how to interact with others, which, in turn, may cause them to be uncertain about how to interact with you. This cruel irony is punctuated by the importance of relying on loved ones during this time; being supported by others to be able to continue the dance with grief.
“We often confuse what we wish for with what is.”
― Neil Gaiman, Mirror Mask
During this phase, there’s ample room for the role of the victim to become a chosen baseline for dealing with the roles and the people that have been lost. Like a child having a tantrum, when a role changes without a directive given to you by you, there is a sense of being held hostage by the role-taker. This is your grief.
No one chooses to grieve, mourn, or feel desperate and confused as a result of the unretrievable roles that have been lost. "Poor me," or, "this is my life forever and ever" are examples of the victim role. The best way to break through this sense of powerlessness is to face grief head-on. Rather than ignoring its cry to be heard and tended to, it is far better to choose the power you hold within the self. It is the power of action. It is the power of using the roles you once had to help you create new ones. The roles you had as part of your personality development inform your ability to have the necessary spontaneity to create roles, embrace them, and commit to them.
Will you remember who you were to your loved one? Of course. This process is not about forgetting. It is about learning to remember peacefully.
Instead of taking on the role of victim, I invite you to create the role of a victor—to become your own champion. This part is difficult, and it is up to you.
The beginning of the hero's journey
Think of this phase as the beginning of the hero’s journey. It is part of your indoctrination into leaning into your grief and who you are while in your active state of mourning. It is what you will learn about yourself as you move with all the pieces of the puzzle that have gone missing since grief has entered your life.
To fully engage in this phase, I encourage you to take the following steps, thinking about:
- Do you define yourself based on who or what you lost?
- What roles have you needed to incorporate in your active mourning state?
- What roles did you drop?
- What roles are no longer necessary?
- What roles do you need now?
Focus on the repertoire of roles you still have, which will continue to expand and contract as you continue through life.
