Four Developmental Changes That Drive a Child’s Adolescence

Source: Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D.

For many parents, their daughter or son’s entry into adolescence can initially bring some sense of loss because now the days of childhood are over. They will never have their daughter or son as a cozy little girl or boy again. Now it’s time for them to start letting go and support the coming-of-age passage that is getting underway.

Of course, no love is lost, but to some degree, the more aloof and independent adolescent, now pushing against them and pulling away, is never going to feel as close as having a more affectionate and dependent child. However, there is a positive tradeoff because now it’s exciting to watch the growth of more youthful independence and individuality.

To support this transformation, it’s best for parents to anticipate common changes that will unfold.

What to expect

Consider four kinds of growing changes now going on.

1. There is more detachment for independence. “She wants more contact with age-mates and less with family.” Phone, social, and computer time with peers become a lifeline. Now, there is more social separation into the world of peers: “Friends matter most!” For parents, this can feel like a social demotion: “Now we count for less!” They have times of feeling lonely for what they miss. “We feel less important.”
2. There is more differentiation for individuality. “He finds new ways to express himself and what matters.” Posters on bedroom walls can communicate a lot. Now, expressing one’s own unique person matters more: “I want to be me!” For parents, this can feel incompatible: “What he likes is not what we are used to!” They have times of feeling estranged from the child they once knew so well: “We feel more mismatched.”
3. There is more disagreement or opposition. “She insists on her wants, objects to our requests, speaks her opinions, and argues more as she grows older.” Now, parental wants and demands are less persuasive than before. For parents, this regular challenge can feel exhausting: “Her objections wear us down!” They have times of feeling discouraged by the hardships of getting along: “We feel more frustrated.”
4. There is more drive for worldly discovery. “He’s interested in finding out what grown-up life is like.” Now, there is more advanced experimentation, some that has been strictly forbidden. For parents, this desire to grow up in a hurry by sampling older experiences can feel frightening: “There’s so much he wants to try that we wish he wouldn’t!” They have frequent times of anxiety: “We feel more worried.”

Parent self-management

Effective parental management of their adolescent has to do with the mature management of themselves. For example:

• To cope with detachment, try to keep initiating positive contact so that times of caring closeness can occur: “Let’s take a break for something fun to do.”
• To cope with differentiation, try to keep bridging growing differences with interest, expressing a desire to learn: “Can you help me better understand?”
• To cope with disagreement, try to treat any conflict as an opportunity for understanding to grow: “Tell me about how my thinking is wrong.”
• To cope with discovery, try to stay ahead of the growth curve by preparing for older risks to come: “Let me give you some information for later use.”

Magical parenting

For young people and parents, while adolescence is not for the faint of heart, neither is it a period to dread. Adolescence isn’t a miserable time; it’s a magical time. It is why I have written blogs, columns, parenting books, and novels about it: to celebrate the coming-of-age passage!

Why celebrate this complicated time? Because I believe it is an honor to participate in their teenager’s growth. Now, parents have the chance to help a young girl or a young boy grow into their adult self.

Parents get to contribute to this transformation. So, I ask you: What is a more rewarding challenge than that?