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Adolescence
Adolescence and the Age of More 'Talking Back'
More questioning, complaining, and arguing with parents often happens.
Posted January 13, 2020 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
It’s an emotional flashpoint for some mothers and fathers—when an adolescent immediately complains, objects, questions, or argues with one of their routine requests or demands.
To certain parents this can feel unacceptable. “Don’t you ever talk back to me!” they might angrily exclaim. They may even punish the behavior in hopes of extinguishing it. “Now you can do an extra chore as a reminder for not back-talking again!”
It feels wrong to have their authority challenged in this oppositional way, particularly by a young person who as a child was silently compliant: “He simply did what he was told."
Why "talking back"?
However, in many ways parenting an adolescent turns out to be different from parenting a child. For example, while the child grew up in the age of command, believing that parents had the power to direct and restrain them, the adolescent has entered the age of consent, when the more liberated teenager knows that parents can’t make them or stop them without the young person’s cooperation: “Compliance is up to me.”
The more empowered growing adolescents come to feel, the increasingly intolerant of parental authority they can become. “I’m old enough to make my own decisions now!” Personal protest of parental rule asserts growing independence.
Intolerance of talking back
How did parents become so intolerant of adolescents talking back? Perhaps they were used to unquestioned childhood obedience and simply expected it to continue during the teenage years. Or, maybe in their family of origin they identified with a model of adult dominance that allowed no objections. “I’m like my folks were—in charge and determined to remain so until their kids left home.” In either case, tolerance for being taken on by youthful disagreement can be very low. “I’m not putting up with any debate!”
To some degree, adolescence can create an odd couple incompatibility between parents and teenagers around the issue of their superior authority. What they can be invested in defending, the young person can be inspired to challenge. So it’s not just that parents resent teenage talking back because it protests their authority; the teenager resents parents pulling rank by ordering her or him around. “You’re not the boss of my world!”
How parents might respond
So, how to deal with teenage talking back? Consider some possibilities.
1. Don’t treat talking back as disrespectful of authority because the reverse is actually true. Disrespect is shown by ignoring and dismissing what parents say, treating it as not worth attending to. By talking back, however, the teenager affirms and engages with their authority by taking it on. In this sense, talking back is an act of respect.
2. Speaking her or his truth to parental power can be an act of adolescent courage. Standing up to parents can be bravery that parents might want to respect while treating it as practice for confronting other authorities out in the world—being willing able to say one’s piece. “Although I have some concerns about your choice of words (and we need to talk about that), I appreciate you leveling with me.” Then, before proceeding with the teenage complaint, a parent might address the particulars of talking back. “In disagreement, we don’t threaten or insult or interrupt or yell or tune out or name call, and we would appreciate the same courtesy from you. Please talk in a way that we can hear what you have to say.”
3. My next suggestion may sound contradictory: It’s best for parents to avoid using the term “talking back.” Why? The answer is because it can be an inflammatory term. Using this emotionally loaded phrase, parents can treat the offending behavior like a threatening and provocative act of defiance. In response, they can feel criticized, attacked, anxious, and defensive.
Better for parents to frame what is going on in less evaluative and more operational language—talking objectively in terms of what is specifically happening. “My teenager is speaking up against what I want or say, and her intensity signifies it is worth my listening to.” Frame “talking back” as “speaking up in disagreement.”
4. If parents ever feel their teenager is “talking back,” they need to own their own inflammatory interpretation, operationalize what is going on to calm themselves down by framing “talking back” as simply speaking up in disagreement. They need to treat it as an opportunity to hear and talk and work some difference out. They need to remind themselves that talking back is talking, and assuming this is done with a respectful choice of words, such communication is worth attending to and valuing.
5. Parents need to remember that the best informant they have about what is going on in their adolescent’s mind and world is the teenager. Forbid talking back and they may consign themselves to unhappy ignorance. “Our teenager tells us almost nothing about what is going on!” If they think a “talking back” teenager is difficult, let them try living with a silent adolescent who never communicates at all.
Enter listening. Listening in disagreement is a parental sign of respect and encourages the teenager to learn to do the same with them. While teenage “talking back” can feel unwelcome to parents, as an expression of disagreement it is definitely preferable to the young person who angrily acts discontent out—shutting up and storming off instead of putting grievances into words.
6. For the teenager, it can often be easier to go along with what is not agreed with when they are given a chance to express her or his discontent. Listening parents are often more likely to get their way. "At least my parents heard what I had to say."
7. Finally, parents can declare how teenager frustration with their parenting is honorably come by. “We know that it may feel harder and more irritating for you to operate on our terms as you become older. In consequence, more disagreements may grow between us. However, our job is to set responsible (and sometimes unpopular) expectations for you as long as you live in the family. Please know that when it comes to what we want, we will be firm where we have to, we will be flexible where we can, and we will always give a full hearing to whatever you have to say, expecting you to do so respectfully.”
