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Relationships
The 3 Questions That Will Help You Find Your Perfect Partner
#3: Are you gowing together along some dimension?
Posted January 13, 2023 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- In the early stages of a relationship, people try to accommodate to each other, but when they revert to themselves, it doesn't work anymore.
- Can you be your true self in your relationship?
- Can your partner be themselves when they're with you?
- Are you growing together?
Are you with the right person? Is your partner a good match for you, and are they someone with whom you could share a happy future?
One look at divorce statistics will tell you that this is a really hard question. You’re not the only one struggling with it. But there's a way to find out.
When you are with someone and you’re pondering your future, you should always ask these three questions. They’re more important than any others.
Much of what goes wrong in relationships is that people try to accommodate to each other in the early stages, but then, when they revert to being themselves, it doesn't work anymore.
So what are the questions you should really ask yourself? Here they are:
1. Can you be yourself?
If you want to be happy with someone, ultimately, they’ll need to be able to accept you as you are. If your partner is fundamentally unhappy with you as a person, you will never be happy because you are not accepted.
But let’s take this question to a deeper level and extend it to the future as well.
Are you becoming the person you want to be? That is, is your partner helping you find the real you and helping you grow and develop into that future you?
You always will change, even if imperceptibly, through any relationship. What you absolutely must make sure of is that the person you are becoming is not someone who you do not want to be.
If you are truly happy with who you are becoming—if you are finding a better you in your relationship—then your relationship has real promise!
2. Can your partner be themselves when they’re with you?
We often think first about ourselves in a relationship, but a relationship will succeed only if both partners are happy.
So, ask those same questions as they relate to your partner: Can your partner be themselves in their relationship with you, and can you really accept them as they are? Do you really, truly like your partner as a person?
At some point, sooner or later, the novelty and passion in your relationship will wear down and possibly wear off. When the excitement of new beginnings is gone, you’ll still be with your partner, and you’ll share your everyday life. If you do not like your partner as a person, it will be very hard being together with them day in, day out.
What’s more, are you helping your partner to become who they want to be? Are you a source of support, and do you like their vision of their future self?
3. Are you on a journey toward togetherness?
This is the most important question of all! Are you and your partner moving toward a mutual actualization? Are you becoming spiritually united? Are you somehow fusing? Are you becoming a kind of unity, in which you feel that there is a oneness that in some way transcends your duality?
If you are meant to be, then you need to feel not only that you are on a journey, and that you are on a journey together, but also that, as you take that journey, you are becoming spiritually more and more at one with each other. There is some kind of merger of spirits.
This is not about giving yourself up. But if this is the right relationship for you, then you simply must feel that some kind of spiritual union is occurring and that it gets closer over time.
Bonus question:
Do you truly find yourself able to care for your partner without looking out for your own interests because you know your partner looks out for you?
You know you are in a good place when you can relax and for once cease to watch out for yourself, knowing you are taken care of.
Can you rely on your partner to such an extent that you can think about their needs, and their needs only—because you know that your own needs have already been taken into account by your partner?
You already need to watch out for your own interests whenever you’re heading out into the world. Being able to relax and know you’re taken care of, and not to have to take competing interests into account, because both partners look out for each other—that is a sign of a truly great relationship.
How do you actually find the answers to these questions?
Finding the answers to these questions is not simple, and it will take some time for you to find out. Reflect on these questions throughout your day, as you ponder yourself and your own goals, or after an interaction with your partner.
If you’re new in a relationship, asking these questions may be a tough call because you’ll have to cut through all the novelty, the excitement, and the love at first sight.
Give yourself some time to think about these questions. You’ll need at least a few months. Keep talking, and keep thinking. And find the courage to show yourself to your partner as you really are, bit by bit.
Iif you’ve been together for a while, ask whether your relationship is still great. Are you still travelers together on one big journey? Or did your roads separate somewhere, maybe without your even noticing?
We often fool ourselves, and it’s hard to be hones—particularly when we don’t like the things we are seeing. So be mindful and keep questioning.
If, after an honest assessment, you can answer all three questions with an enthusiastic yes, you just may have found the partner of your dreams!
