The Lone Ranger Opens His Heart

Linda: George was the oldest of four children. His father lived in the home, but he didn’t have much of a relationship with the kids. His father’s illnesses dominated the family.

Observing his mother being chronically overwhelmed, George learned early in his childhood not to ask for anything so as not to burden her further. Based on what he observed, he decided about himself, “I don't matter; I’m not important; I must not ask for anything; I must rely on myself.” George suffered in silence; the loneliness, hurt, and feelings of unworthiness were so intense that he unconsciously put those feelings in the deep freeze. For self-preservation, he walled off his feelings in order to go about this life.

Source: Noblegerad/Pixabay

In adulthood, he focused on his career and became quite successful. His great strength was relying on himself, being able to advance in his profession without asking for help or mentoring. His life stance of “it’s up to me” was useful professionally. But in his marriage and his role as a father, his fears of being rejected and hurt prevented emotional closeness.

Eventually, his attempts to shut down his feelings and remain removed from the family began to backfire. His narrow range of emotional expression brought repeated complaints from his wife. At first, she excused George as an introvert and a loaner. But as time passed and her efforts to engage him emotionally became more frustrating, hitting up against his compulsive self-reliance, she suffered from feelings of being unimportant and unnecessary.

George’s wife’s repeated complaints instigated bitter fighting, with him insisting that her desires for emotional relating were excessive. He said with contempt, “All you women want is for men to share their feelings.” His scorn and criticism were designed to shut her up. But secretly, he wondered if there was some truth to her accusations and that indeed he suffered from a fear of intimacy, vulnerability, and dependency.

Things really began to shift for George when he took up the practice of mindfulness meditation. The practice appealed to him because solitude was the one place that he felt comfortable. But soon, he found himself facing some uncomfortable truths about himself.

As George continued in his mediation practice, he observed the defensive patterns that trapped him in his cycle of withdrawal. Becoming consciously aware of his patterns allowed him to make different choices. The more he opened to the truth of his own experience with compassionate understanding, the more empathy and compassion he felt for his wife and children, who wanted more closeness with him.

George’s original stance of protective isolation gave way to the connectedness in his inner life. And that connection to himself allowed him to connect emotionally to those who were important to him. He slowly began to connect to his own desire for closeness with his family and friends. George’s heart began to open, and when it did, expressions of vulnerable feelings, such as sadness, fear, insecurity, hurt, confusion, and his need for closeness and support began to emerge. It was a gradual process over many months, with quite a few relapses back into his old habits.

Over time, as George continued his mindfulness practice accompanied by ongoing counseling, he began to open more and more to his wife and then others. A profoundly corrective experience occurred for him. In his words,

“I have come to understand that I am an essentially good person. It’s a relief not to have to knock myself out trying so hard to prove it. I am lovable and capable, and I trust that others will help me move through my life. I am becoming more comfortable speaking about my feelings, and I no longer pretend that I don't have any needs. I’m grateful that all the relationships with the people who are important to me have improved and deepened.

The changes in me are reflected back to me the most with my wife’s sunny disposition. She used to tease me, calling me the Lone Ranger. She tells me she no longer feels like she’s banging on a closed, locked door.

I know I’m more accessible, and I’m glad about that. I no longer feel like the fraud I once was, parading around like I had it together when I didn’t. I’m much more at ease with myself, and that means a lot, more than I can say.”