Conversation That Will Save Your Relationship: Love Language

This post is the first in the series on conversations that can save your relationship, which provides strategies for talking about love languages. Research has shown that every person has specific behaviors that their partner can do that make them feel the most loved and special. It’s not that a nice gift or an expression of appreciation isn’t always welcome in relationships. But, if you want to optimize your efforts to make your partner feel loved, knowing his or her love language will go a long way.¹ The problem is that we usually give love in the way that makes us feel most loved and chances are, your partner’s love language isn’t your love language.

Each person has a primary and secondary love language—ways in which we express and experience love. The five love languages are: receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch. If you want to learn your (and/or your partner’s) love language, there are ample online surveys to help you identify them.

Knowledge isn’t enough, however. The way to best use your new knowledge is to talk to your partner about what you do that makes them feel the most loved. Chances are, they would appreciate any of the love languages, but one or two of them make them feel especially cherished, cared for, and loved.

The Conversation: Before you talk to your partner, consider figuring out your own love languages so you can share that information with your partner. The following questions can help you better identify how to explain your love language to your partner:

1. What things does your partner do that make you feel especially seen, heard, accepted, appreciated, cared for, and loved? Think of specific moments that you could share with your partner as examples. Also think about what it was about that moment specifically that made the behavior or message so meaningful.

2. What things do you complain about not getting from your partner? This is the opposite approach because the gaps are opportunities for your partner to meet your love needs.

Then talk to your partner and try to identify his or her love language. Start by talking about his or her love language and ask questions from the perspective of curiosity and learning more about your partner. Remember that this isn’t about identifying all the ways each person is “doing it wrong.” Making relationships work long-term is about continuing to learn about your partner in a non-defensive way. Questions you could discuss may be:

1. Are there things that I do that make you feel special or especially loved? Can you think of specific examples?

2. Think about the ways you are trying to show your partner love and ask how he or she feels about those behaviors or messages. For example, you might say something like, “Lately, I’ve noticed you have been stressed, so I’ve been trying to do things around the house to show you that I love you. Does that make you feel loved?” (Or how do you feel about that, how does it make you feel, etc.) Then probe that topic a bit—what is good about that way of showing love? Are specific elements of the behavior that are especially important to feeling loved?

3. If that behavior doesn’t really resonate as “love,” what else could I do?

4. When you think about our relationship, how do you try to show your love for me? (Remember that we show love in the way we would like to be loved.)

5. Really listen to your partner, make physical or mental notes, and engage in the conversation the way you would want your partner to for you. Then, after you’ve really heard your partner and fully understand what works best for them and what is nice, but doesn’t really translate as love, share about yourself.

The Benefit: The benefit of this conversation is that most couples desperately want their partner to feel loved. Therefore, we put a lot of thought and energy into doing whatever we think will work. But, unless we really understand how our partner feels love, our efforts are not optimized. Positive behaviors in relationships are always good, but if we know what makes our partner feel most loved, we can focus more on engaging in those behaviors. We take out the guesswork and make our relationship stronger with less effort.