"Is Everyone Else Having More Sex Than Me?"

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“Everyone else is having more sex than me.”

This is a widely-held belief that persists across age groups, from teenagers in high school who think “everyone is doing it” through to single or coupled adults who fear they’re going through the dreaded “dry spell.” It’s a common and relatable feeling. In general, many people assume that others are having more sex than them.

This idea, however, is just a popular myth.

What does the research say?

Studies show that people tend to have a skewed view of the sex lives of others. Gossip, locker room chat, pornography, and the media might have people thinking that others enjoy sex frequently—several times a week, every day, or even more often. One recent study asked people in Britain and the U.S. to guess how often younger people in their country had sex in the past four weeks. In both countries, the average guess was that they had sex 13 times in the last month, while the actual number was just five in Britain and four in the U.S. According to another study, the average American adult has sex 53 times per year, or a little more than once per week.

Furthermore, the research finds that all of us, regardless of age, are actually having less sex. Detailed surveys of sexual behavior show that sexual frequency has declined in recent years. This trend is not fully understood, although it is theorized that solo sex is on the rise with the proliferation of pornography and sexting.

With regard to long-term relationships, couples who have sex infrequently might just be experiencing the natural ebb and flow of the libido. At any rate, it's normal for someone to go weeks, months, or even years without having partnered sex.

So why do so many people believe the myth of heightened sexual behavior? Sex is still relatively taboo in our culture, so we don’t talk about it enough, leading many to make assumptions and comparisons about other people’s sex lives.

No, everyone else isn’t having more sex than you

We can stop worrying that everyone else is having more sex than we are. Nevertheless, this persistent belief can have negative effects on the emotional health and behavior of people. Thinking that everyone else is getting more sex can make a person feel like there’s something wrong with them.

For teenagers, this belief can lead to risky behavior, pressuring them to jump into having sex before they’re ready and possibly resulting in sexually transmitted infections or unwanted pregnancy.

For adults, both singles and those in relationships, thinking that others have more (and probably better) sex can affect our self-esteem and make us feel less desirable. Comparing ourselves unfavorably to others, and assuming that they have it better, can lead us to feel frustrated, dissatisfied, or even depressed.

It's normal to have periods of little to no partnered sex. In the end, there's no "normal" amount of sex to be having anyway. The frequency (or infrequency) of sexual activity is a personal preference. As long as the person in question is happy with the frequency of sex that they're having, there’s no issue.

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