Verified by 
Key points
- A vital marriage needs fidelity and celebration of the partners.
- Celebration means loving your partner in a way that makes them feel they are not only loved, but that they are special and that they matter.
- Celebration is overlooked when a partner feels it is unnecessary, has discomfort in expressing love, or cannot accept it.
In terms of marriage, fidelity technically means sexual exclusivity; being faithful to one's partner.
In his provocative book, Monogamy, Adam Phillips suggests that “the cruelest thing one can do to one’s partner is to be good at fidelity but bad at celebration.”
Is he right? Maybe. To really sustain a loving and vital bond, you need to do more than just come home. You need to do more than just expect sex and you need to do more than refrain from being unfaithful. You need to come home in a way that makes your partner know why you are coming home to them.
Eating the meal he prepared with little to say, or walking around the paint cans in the kitchen she just painted, is not a celebration of your partner.
As much as celebration without fidelity lacks substance and erodes trust, fidelity without celebration can feel like an obligation or habit.
Over the years, I have heard too many people struggling in relationships say, “To live with a partner who just doesn’t notice you, what you do, or what you love is lonelier than living alone.”
What Celebrating a Partner Really Means
A celebration can range from the commemoration of an event with ceremonies, parties, and galas to an expression of special regard or warm approval. Between partners, celebration could be the unexpected drop off of a cup of coffee, a surprise weekend away, or a tender hello kiss. Each has a different valence.
She cares what you think about the new business venture. The tiny card written by him means more than the big applause at the office. And the hug you just shared is emotionally different because you are partners.
In a marriage, celebration makes a partner feel loved, and it makes that partner feel they matter in a unique way. For both partners, it changes fidelity from obligation to the intimacy of being known, loved, and desired. It is so desirable that it fits Phillips’ provocative description that "there is nothing more scandalous than a happy marriage.”
What Keeps Partners from Celebrating Each Other
Few people want to give or get applause every time they breathe. Some partners, however, seem unaware or unable to celebrate their partner at all. History, trauma, family culture, or fear of failing may keep them from recognizing their own worth and, by extension, that of their spouse.
Don’t Need It. Sometimes there is an assumption by one or both partners that they have been together so long that there is no need for celebration. That is like saying, "We have eaten together for so long, there's no need to enjoy the meal now."
Can’t Celebrate Directly. Some people cannot celebrate their partner directly. Friends, people at work, and other family members hear about the great decorating job, the fabulous cooking, the promotion, the brilliance – but not the partner themselves. Why? The reason may not be clear or conscious to the person avoiding the direct expression. It might reflect self-consciousness, competitiveness, or even discomfort with the positive reaction of the partner being complimented. But not directly complimenting your partner is like having a party without inviting the guest of honor.
They Can’t Take a Compliment. Some people stop celebrating or complimenting their partner in small or large ways because their partner just will not take a compliment. Low self-esteem, perfectionism, a history of criticism, etc., can make any positive feedback feel invalid, suspect, manipulative, or discrepant. Sadly, the dismissed compliment is depriving for both. It does not open a space for feeling the difference when someone really loves and celebrates you. It is worth trying to understand this or seeking help to unravel historical pain.
It is also important for the complimenting spouse to hold on to their positive perspective, by gently suggesting, “No, I’m not crazy. I really think you look great in that dress. If you change it, OK, but I think you look terrific"; “I know you need to re-do the deal, but I really think what you said saved the day"; or "Do you know that I believe in you and love you?"
In a culture that promotes a bigger-than-life perspective on everything, partners can get caught and overwhelmed by the mistaken assumption that the other wants the “big praise” or “planned events,” and overlook the real celebration offered in the compliment, the wink, or the caress.
The Power and Potential of Mutual Celebration
An important step toward increasing celebration in a marriage is mutual celebration, in which both partners offer and receive the celebration, both acknowledge that they matter to each other in the big and small events, the traumatic times, and the magical times; and mutual celebration is a lifelong shared gift.
- “I can’t believe we stayed on track with the kids while we managed your mom’s illness!"
- “How are we paying these bills and still laughing?”
- “We’re pretty amazing as a team. What we need is an exciting escape plan!”
What changes fidelity from obligation to celebration are the little loving things that become big because they can only come from one another.
