Verified by 
Attachment
Is There Room for Your Stuff and Your Partner?
Does attachment to your stuff leave space for connection to your partner?
Posted November 28, 2021 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- From our earliest years, we have had a relationship with "stuff" that has served our needs of attachment, transition, identity, and memory.
- Once we marry, we may be faced with negotiating the attachment and accumulation of stuff with our partner.
- Partner steps for dealing with stuff include awareness, attention, flexibility, double vision, and a couple reset.
The Meaning of Stuff
We have a relationship with stuff from our earliest years when certain blankets, dolls, and toys serve as attachment or transitional objects. In our teens, possessions often hold the promise of boosting self-esteem and clothing becomes a crucial proof of self-worth. For many, the first car is remembered as a treasured symbol of an emerging self-identity.
In his consideration of “The Psychology Of Stuff And Things,” Christin Jarret (2013) suggests that over time our possessions become extensions of self, reflecting ourselves and others who we are or want to be.
That said, people actually vary quite a bit in their level of accumulation and attachment to possessions.
In their book, Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things, Randy O. Frost and Gail Steketee draw upon the stories of different people to illuminate the theory and meaning of collecting and hoarding. They cover the continuum from owning and treasuring something for its meaning, to the extremes of the Collyer Brothers found buried under 30 years of hoarding 170 tons of stuff.
What happens to our attachment and accumulation of stuff when we marry or enter a long-term relationship?
What’s Yours Is Mine and What’s Mine Is Yours—Sometimes.
- One partner may have an attachment to the motorcycles and tools that have taken the place of the other's car in the garage.
- Another partner may treasure shoes, purses, and clothes that leave only a sliver of closet space for the other's clothes.
Surprisingly, that may be OK as many partners appreciate and even love the personality of their partner and recognize the “stuff” that comes with it.
In other cases, partners love seeing their partner happy ... so they move over to allow room for the artwork, musical instruments, or sports memorabilia.
When Does Stuff Become a Problem?
Stuff becomes a problem when it compromises the happiness and well-being of the partners. This happens in different ways, depending on the couple.
Consider these conflicts:
When the piles of stuff prevent one or both of the partners from being who they are.
“I’m a social person—I’m too embarrassed to bring friends home to all the clutter.”
When collecting stuff becomes a serious financial drain.
“He knows we have unpaid bills—but he insists that it is one of a kind.”
When there is continual tension and a stalemate of accusations about each other’s stuff.
“Instead of looking at my fishing gear in the hall, maybe you should look at the magazines all over the house."
When there is a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness about change.
“I love her but I don’t know what to do—I just can’t live with all the chaos and growing piles of stuff! Something is wrong.”
How Do You Work Together as Partners to Deal With Stuff?
- Awareness. Plan to sit down and discuss your feelings about your shared space. Be informative and authentic about what you need, not what you need the other to do. Consider sharing how addressing “stuff” has benefits for both. The goal is understanding each other’s needs—not immediately landing on a solution. If you open a dialogue to consider your space and your stuff, a process may be set in motion.
- Attention. Recognize that there is selective inattention to our own stuff (we have both attachment and need for it) as compared to a feeling of intrusion and annoyance by what we feel is the clutter of someone else.
- Flexibility. Given that what we treasure often becomes an extension of ourselves, it is common for someone to become defensive when confronted about their stuff. It is worth remembering that the goal is mutual respect and happiness.
- Double Vision. Sometimes it takes looking at the space together to find a new perspective. Consider some version of your own Fixer Upper show in which you pool your ideas and then try out some “working solutions” that might be an answer for both. Help each other. Just working together is a positive step towards possible solutions. Buy a shed, buy two sheds, build shelves, donate, create a clutter-free room.
- Couple Reset. Ask yourself whether a setting with your stuff exactly the way you want it is worth more than being with your partner.
How Do You Deal With Compulsive Shopping or a Hoarding Disorder?
While “Black Friday sales” and easy access to online purchases can make anyone seem like a compulsive shopper or hoarder, there is a reality to these disorders beyond each partner's “having stuff.” These disorders seriously impact both partners and the life they share. Understanding and recognizing them is important and in most cases seeking professional help is important.
According to April Lane Benson, author of To Buy or Not To Buy, compulsive shoppers can be anyone. Whereas compulsive shopping tends to be associated with women, men are just as likely to have the problem. They just shop for different things like sporting equipment, electronics, or automobile accessories.
Compulsive shopping often has very little to do with purchasing an item and everything to do with the use of shopping as “fix” for negative feelings, definitions of self, regulation of anxiety, or avoidance of pain. Once the item is purchased, the shopper (unlike most people who remain excited by the purchase) is back to the emotional pain and the need to shop.
Help for compulsive shopping is available and can be an important answer for both partners.
Hoarding Disorder
According to the Diagnostic Description of DSM-5, hoarding disorder involves difficulty discarding or parting with possessions regardless of their value while continually acquiring things. Often the accumulation of things fills all of the living space and impairs functioning.
Treatment and resources for those suffering from hoarding disorder are both available. The challenge for partners is that most people don’t recognize hoarding in themselves. It is difficult to get them to see a need for treatment. Many who suffer with hoarding disorder suffer with anxiety or depression for which they may seek help, sometimes a first step. In any case, the partner who is dealing with someone suffering from hoarding disorder needs support and help.
The Healing Potential of “Mutual Stuff”
Take a good look at your “mutual stuff," which is uniquely different from other stuff because it meets mutual needs. Be it stuff for the baby, the new pet, the new boat, the room you are decorating, or the trip you are planning—somehow there is room.
Mutual stuff represents and often revives shared love, excitement, plans, and memories.
Is there enough mutual stuff in your life? The more, the better.
Make room in your relationship for each other and your stuff.
