2 Ways to Save Your Love Life From "Groundhogging"

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“Groundhogging” refers to the tendency to repeatedly date the same type of person, despite past similar relationships not working out. The term is inspired by the movie Groundhog Day, in which the protagonist, Phil, played by Bill Murray, relives the same day over and over, unable to escape his time loop.

The plot highlights the futility of going after the same kind of partner and expecting different results, which often leads to the same recurring relationship issues. Like Phil, you might find yourself confused, incredulous, and exhausted when relationship patterns repeat, desperate to end the loop.

However, each relationship offers a unique opportunity to learn more about yourself and what you truly need in a partner. Taking charge of your patterns and confronting them can help break such a cycle for good.

Here are two ways to escape groundhogging and feel empowered in your dating life.

1. Understand Why Your ‘Type’ Is Your Type

Overcoming groundhogging requires a conscious effort to recognize your dating patterns. One helpful way to reflect more deeply is to write down details of past relationships, focusing on the common traits and characteristics of your partners and recurring patterns in your relationship dynamics.

It’s also essential to analyze your preferences and understand whether they are based on societal expectations, past experiences, or comfort zones. Reflect on why you are attracted to certain types of people and particular qualities.

After reflecting on the past, look towards the future. Reflect on the type of partner you’re now looking for and why. Understand where you’re being too rigid or possibly too flexible in your dating criteria.

Here are some prompts to reflect on relationship patterns.

• Do you often face similar conflicts or end relationships for the same reasons?
• How have past relationships made you feel, and what have they taught you about your needs and boundaries?
• What needs to change going ahead in terms of what you accept from a partner?
• What are your negotiables and non-negotiables in relationships? Do they need to change?
• What are your core values and how can your dating choices better reflect them?
• Is there anything you might be doing to sabotage your own relationships? How does this behavior protect you and hurt you?

People often gravitate towards familiar traits and characteristics they have grown up around because they feel comfortable and predictable. Despite past failures, they may hope that the next person with the same qualities will somehow be different and heal wounds that the previous person could not.

“There is an unconscious repetitive need to seek partners who offer—for good or for bad—the familiar love of childhood. The attempt to change a partner from one who offers the negative aspects to one who offers affirming love is an attempt to reverse the trauma of misattuned love in childhood. Consciousness of the pattern is the requirement to begin its reversal,” write the researchers of a classic study based on the Imago theory of attraction.

Additionally, a 2022 study found that teenage beliefs about love impact adult relationships. To stop groundhogging, you may need to examine and unlearn unhelpful relationship beliefs. For instance, believing that love is enough to make a relationship last or that love is either destined to be or not can make people act passively in relationships rather than actively commit to working through issues with a partner.

“How a teen thinks about relationships is the building block of healthy versus unhealthy relationships. Over time, children develop sets of ideas of self and others in relationships. In turn, these cognitive representations influence behavior and become a template for future relationships. Being intentional, realistic, and rejecting controlling attitudes helps keep relationships in the safe zone,” the researchers write.

By recognizing such patterns, you can consciously choose your dating behavior. Seeking professional guidance can also provide insights, tools, and a foundation of support to break the groundhogging cycle.

2. Actively Practice Dating Differently

A 2019 study found that while most people do indeed prefer a specific type, being open to new kinds of relationship experiences and tapping into your outgoing side can help you meet a wider variety of people and lower the chances of groundhogging.

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Researchers of the 2022 study also emphasize changing the way you approach dating by learning to pace relationships and taking the time to get to know someone deeply before committing to them.

Breaking the groundhogging cycle involves stepping out of comfort zones and being open to dating people who might not fit your usual type. When determining dating criteria, include values, hobbies, and personality traits you haven’t prioritized in the past. Go on dates with individuals who have different backgrounds, interests, or lifestyles than those you typically date.

Importantly, once you have set your negotiables and non-negotiables in a relationship, stick to them. Refrain from falling into a pattern of settling for someone because they have some of the traits you seek or because you fear that you will never meet a person who can fully align with your core needs and values.

When you value yourself independently of your relationship status, you can better handle the fear of being single, making you less likely to stay in or pursue unfulfilling relationships out of fear or societal pressure.

Dating better is a process of building a stronger relationship with yourself. Prioritizing your needs in the dating process allows you to choose intentionally, making decisions that are truly in your best interests.

By prioritizing self-care and self-respect, you establish clear boundaries and become more assertive, protecting your emotional well-being and reducing the likelihood of falling into repetitive, unfulfilling relationships. Such self-assuredness allows you to attract partners that are truly compatible with your authentic self.

A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.

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