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A person’s first sexual experience is often regarded as a significant milestone in their life. It is an event loaded with emotional, social, and psychological weight. Research shows that it is highly common to have mixed or conflicting emotions about this experience, including happiness, fear, and indifference.
The reverberations of your first time can be felt for years after, influencing self-esteem, relationship dynamics, and sexual and psychological well-being. Adding to this complexity are the various perceptions of “virginity”—as a gift, a rite of passage, or even a burden—that deeply affect how people feel about their first time.
Here are two primary ways your “first time” can affect you years later, according to research.
1. Feelings About the Event Can Impact Long-Term Well-Being
A positive first sexual experience—characterized by mutual and enthusiastic consent, emotional intimacy, respect, and emotional readiness—can foster positive emotions and a healthy sexual identity.
In contrast, research shows that negative experiences, such as those involving regret, coercion, emotional unpreparedness, peer pressure, and drug or alcohol use can lead to poorer psychological and physical health outcomes in adulthood and long-lasting feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, and sexual difficulties.
Such experiences can also fuel beliefs that sex is inherently shameful or dangerous, which can impede healthy sexual development and future relationships.
Additionally, a 2022 study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior found that consenting but just “going along with it” in a first-time sexual experience, without feeling much desire for it, can become a life stressor and lead to greater psychological distress and poorer physical health outcomes in later life, even post-retirement.
Importantly, the most positive first-time encounters involve having the agency to form your own definition and context of what pleasure means to you and engaging in sex only when it is something you completely desire throughout the process.
Research also shows that women are less likely to have a highly satisfying first-time experience compared to men, as they are comparatively less likely to achieve orgasm. However, being in a committed relationship with one’s sexual partner enhances psychological satisfaction for both partners, highlighting the importance of feeling safe and connected to each other.
Socio-cultural norms also play a crucial role in shaping an individual’s perception of their first time. In societies where virginity is heavily stigmatized or highly valued, there can be immense pressure surrounding this event. The fear of judgment or shame associated with losing virginity outside of culturally accepted contexts can also exacerbate long-term psychological distress.
2. Your First Time May Influence Your Future Sexual Identity
Research shows that the average American loses their virginity at about 17 years old. Researchers found that this initial experience can influence one’s “sexual self-efficacy,” which in turn affects one’s current level of sexual adjustment.
Sexual self-efficacy refers to an individual’s confidence in their ability to make their own decisions about their sexuality, practice safe sex, initiate sexual activity, and communicate sexual needs, desires, boundaries, and preferences with a partner, as well as advance and navigate sexual relationships.
Adolescence and early adulthood are critical periods for cognitive and identity development. One’s first sexual experience often coincides with these developmental stages and can consequently shape sexual identity and cognitive schemas about sex and relationships.
A positive or negative first experience can influence how individuals perceive themselves as sexual beings and how they approach future sexual encounters. Research shows that positive first-time experiences can lead to greater levels of sexual satisfaction and lower sexual depression years later, in one’s current sexual interactions.
Additionally, the disparity between societal or personal expectations and the reality of the first sexual experience can also have long-term psychological effects. Unrealistic expectations around sex, often fueled by media portrayals, can lead to disappointment, disillusionment, and a sense of inadequacy, affecting sexual satisfaction and confidence in the years that follow.
A 2021 study also found that if men believe they have not lost their virginity at an "appropriate" age, they tend to have more negative experiences and face sexual performance anxiety, lowering their sexual self-efficacy in the long run. Further, a 2016 study found that being a sexual “late bloomer” or engaging in sex for the first time after most of one’s similarly aged peers already have, can impact future romantic relationships.
“We observed that sexually inexperienced adults perceived themselves to be stigmatized due to their inexperience and were not highly desired as relationship partners. Even sexually inexperienced adults themselves did not find other inexperienced adults to be attractive relationship partners,” the researchers explain.
However, it is essential to remember that there is no “right time” to have this experience and it is best to follow what aligns with your own needs and values.
Reflecting on your first sexual experience, regardless of when it happened, can provide important context for understanding how you feel about yourself and your relationships today. If it did not occur as you envisioned or desired, it is possible and essential to heal and redefine what sexual experiences mean to you on your own terms.
The importance of safety, consent, and readiness in any sexual experience cannot be overstated. Encouraging younger people to recognize the importance of positive initial sexual experiences is also crucial.
Comprehensive sex education can enhance sexual self-efficacy by providing accurate information about sexual health, safe practices, and communication strategies for the generations that follow, allowing us as a society to feel empowered in our sexual identities and establish more fulfilling relationships with ourselves and others.
A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.
