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Body Image
Can I Raise a Body-Confident Kid if I’m Unhappy With My Own?
Improving your body image will benefit your kids.
Posted August 1, 2024 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Key points
- Parents want their kids to have positive body images even if they aren't satisfied with their own bodies.
- When parents focus on improving their own body image, their kids will benefit.
- Parents can adopt strategies and a mindset conducive to helping themselves and their kids be body positive.
It would be difficult for me to teach my children how to speak French, because sadly I only know a few phrases. Arguably, it might also be difficult for parents to teach their children to have a positive body image if they don’t have a positive body image. However, “body image” is not a discreet skill. It’s more of a mindset or even a way of viewing the world. If you are a parent who feels dissatisfied with your own body, you can change your mindset and behaviors to the benefit of your kids. Along the way, you’re likely to experience a body image boost as well.
There are entire books I recommend to help parents who are invested in raising body positive kids, but following are a few tips to get you started.
Don’t disparage your own body. In fact, talk about how amazing our bodies are. You may not even realize that you say negative thing about your own and others’ bodies. Many of us were brought up in families where, “Do these pants make my butt look big?” was a common question. But what this teaches our kids is that it’s normal—expected, even—to be discontent with our bodies.
What if, instead of saying we hate our thighs every time we think it, we don’t let ourselves say it? Our kids don’t need to hear it, and when we say it less, we will ultimately think it less. We will perseverate less about our thighs and, in the process, teach our kids that they don’t need to either.
When you think something negative about your body, try to refocus on something that your body has done for you (e.g., allowed you to have a child, fought off an illness, ran a marathon) and try talking more about how cool that is. When you watch sporting events like the Olympics with your family, comment on the amazing feats the athletes accomplish and not how they look. The human body does so many amazing things. Why did we ever think we should focus primarily on how it looks?
Ditch the fads and diets. Enjoy food. Growing up I thought it was virtuous to avoid foods—both in terms of types of foods and quantities. I’m not sure it really occurred to me that food could be enjoyed every. single. day. I mean, sure, on your birthday you had permission to enjoy your cake. But enjoy food all the time? No way.
There is so much messaging—social media, advertisements, even documentaries—suggesting that low-carb; low-fat; low-sugar; skipping snacks; drinking smoothies, green tea, or celery juice; not eating after dinner; not eating before bed; and a variety of other recommendations will lead to weight loss and/or health. The majority of these suggestions lack any scientific basis. In fact, research actually suggests that these diets and fads are likely to lead to weight gain, not loss, over time. Repeated attempts at dieting can slow your metabolism, damage your relationship with food, and put you at risk of disordered eating.
Food fads and diets can also destroy body image. Instead of viewing food as means of caring for the body and offering it pleasure, fads and diets discount bodily needs. We want to raise kids who attend to their bodies and take care of themselves, not ignore feelings of hunger or a craving for ice cream on a hot day.
Question appearance culture. Just as trends in fashion and hairstyles come and go, so do trends in other aspects of appearance that we idealize. With greater access to appearance ideals in social media and other online venues, what’s popular and most prized seems to only shift and evolve faster. Are you supposed to be “fit”? Thin? “Slim-thick”? Toned? Have a small bum or a big one? It can be hard to keep up—and most of us will never be able to, no matter how hard we try.
Constantly shifting appearance ideals are just one reason why it’s important to help kids understand that appearance culture is a capitalist, consumer-driven world in which beauty is sold as the key to happiness. There’s nothing wrong with appreciating beauty, but it’s important to be explicit with kids: Our bodies are not infinitely malleable, and we will never be able to conform to all the “beauty standards” that arise. This should lead to questions about who these standards are actually serving. Further, if we don’t believe that our appearance is the most important thing we offer the world, we should let our kids learn this from our example.
Offer a self-compassionate approach to health. Body positivity doesn’t mean ignoring your health. In fact, I think that body positivity includes body respect and taking care of your body. But it isn’t healthy to broach any of this with a rigid mindset about completely avoiding certain foods, or needing to exercise a certain amount, or never resting. Every body is unique and every body deserves compassion and care. We want to strive for this for ourselves and model this for our kids. Sure, we want our kids to be healthy, but we want them to attend to both their physical and psychological needs not arbitrary or manufactured health regimens rooted in influencer culture.
I firmly believe that kids deserve to experience a positive body image and I suspect most parents agree. This is why I’ve written books for kids, teens, and young adults. However, like many parents, I grew up completely dissatisfied with my body. I sometimes think about the things I wish I could tell my teenage self. I’d want her to learn to appreciate her body, enjoy food, question appearance culture, and treat herself with self-compassion. I’d also tell her that her insecurities aren’t unique but are unnecessary and unfounded. Other people don’t really care about the pimple on her chin. Of course, some of these realizations benefit from wisdom earned through hindsight. But what if our kids could feel this way while they were growing up? Wouldn’t that be amazing? It's not too late for us parents, either.
