When Can You Be Authentic?

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We all want to let down our guard and be ourselves with the people we know. More often than not, that is a good choice.

There are times, however, when being open and talking about things that matter to you are met with negativity. Maybe you recently got a job and want to share the exciting news with your mother but she has never thought you worked hard enough and this is no exception. Why, she wants to know, couldn't you have gotten a better or higher-paying job? Although it may be her routine response,, you are still stunned, wondering why she can’t be happy for you this one time.

The details of the scenario may differ, but there's often someone around to shoot down good news. It really takes only one person to ruin your day. So, the question becomes, how do you deal with people who seem to want to tear you down after you’ve shared something honest with them?

Even though other individuals might be consistent in their negative reactions, patients tell me, they are nevertheless often blindsided when someone isn’t happy for them or knocks them down emotionally. I always tell them that the first thing they can do to protect themselves is to begin to put boundaries in place.

The difficult person in their life is unlikely to change their behavior, and understanding that is the first step in moving forward. Their approval is not likely to be forthcoming no matter how many hoops you jump through.

The person who is hurt must change their own behavior and put guidelines in place so they no longer are in a position to be repeatedly hurt by the other. They do this by making a conscious decision about what to share and with whom,

When my patient told her mother of her new job and her mother responded, “You call that a job?” my patient felt as if she had been punched in the gut. In reality, her mother always responded that way, never happy for her daughter. She devalued her every chance she got. My patient was always devastated, but she never stopped offering up good news, in the hopes of sharing the joy, which always met with a disappointing comment.

To break the cycle, my patient had to see her mother at face value, recognize that she was never going to elicit a different response no matter how much she wished for one. But she could change her own behavior and choose to no longer share certain information with her mother and to stop seeking a supportive response. Basically, she had to stop offering her mother opportunities to hurt her. Time and time again her mother had spoiled her joy. The only way to take that power away from her was to no longer offer it to her.

Sometimes patients protest that putting up such boundaries means they can’t be real. And I agree: It does mean they cannot be genuine with that person. But the change is necessary for stopping the onslaught of negativity from people who constantly rob them of their strength. It requires proceeding with caution whenever interacting with them. It can be helpful to anticipate their customary response and prepare a response.

Putting such a boundary in place by making a conscious decision to share less may give rise to a sense of loss. That’s because you are intentionally giving up the relationship you wished you could have and acknowledging reality. You are also putting the brakes on the free and open connection you used to think you had. But you are also making the connection you do have emotionally healthy for yourself.