Relationships: When Does "Enough!" Become Enough?

When does enough become enough in a relationship so that a spouse files for divorce decades into a marriage? And is the calculus different for celebrities than it is for you and me?

Sylvester Stallone’s wife Jennifer Flavin recently filed for divorce after 25 years of marriage. It raises the question of how they, and so many other couples who get divorced after many years together, repeatedly tolerate or ignore whatever disagreements arise between them before ending up at a place where they just couldn’t do it any longer. When did enough become enough for her?

When did the paper cut grow into a wound too big for Band-Aids? In the case of Stallone and Flavin, People reported that her filing included a claim that he “has engaged in the intentional dissipation, depletion, and/or waste of marital assets which has had an adverse economic impact on the marital estate.” While that appears to be the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back, according to a Flavin source, “they have had lots of issues for years and she just had enough.”

Sometimes a marriage can buzz along, even if one or both spouses are unhappy. It’s easy to understand the breakup of a relationship in the face of a big betrayal like infidelity, and especially a public one.

However, betrayal can be experienced on a smaller scale, when upsetting and hurtful behaviors are continually repeated despite promises, claims, and assurances that they will stop. Over time, the chronic anger and constant disappointment build up so that each new instance feels like a betrayal since the partner isn’t doing what was promised. That destroys credibility and, ultimately, trust.

Under such circumstances, it need take only one act—as was reported with Stallone—to shift a partner from resignation to desperation, igniting the belief that that time has come to get out. In my therapy practice, I often ask those who come in for help in separating or getting a divorce, “What shifted?" "What made you decide now to pull the plug?” Almost everyone replies that they lost respect for their partner. Once mistrust enters a relationship, grievances that once were difficult but not deal-breakers suddenly take on a new life.

It is helpful to recognize signs that a relationship may be heading in that direction, even before you realize it. You and your partner may, like many couples, have an ongoing fight about an issue: He wants to golf more while you want him around on weekends; she wants a set dinner time every evening but you want more flexibility and, if you are being really honest, prefer to eat alone in front of the TV some nights; he wants to spend more time with his extended family but you push for more time for just the two of you.

Suddenly, the arguing may stop. The absence of arguing often feels like a good thing, progress: You may think you finally got through to your partner, who now sees things from your point of view. The reality, however, may be the exact opposite. The spouses haven't seen the light—they've given up, stopped trying to make things good. They have likely resigned themselves to things never changing and have moved into a mindset of hopelessness. The desire to divorce may lie dormant, but all that is needed is a catalyst—a new job, meeting a new person—to trigger taking the final step.

If you find yourself feeling unhappy in your long-standing relationship or fantasizing about leaving your long-time partner, ask yourself whether to seek marital counseling before things become irredeemable. You might also consider getting help for yourself in order to find clarity in taking action, so you no longer live in passive resignation.

Sometimes divorce is the answer. Other times, a marriage is salvageable.

Stallone and Flavin reconciled once before after a breakup, years ago. Perhaps they will again. It's often possible to sort things out so you don’t reach the point of no return.