Lonely In Sex? Examine Your Sexual Assumptions First

What we want or desire in a sexual relationship does not begin at the onset of our relationship. Our attitudes toward relationships, sex, and even our own worth began as we first learned about ourselves. How we were valued as a young child has long-term, lingering effects.

Parents teach a child what affection is or isn’t, what should be expected in a relationship, how needs are met or even whether you can ask for your needs to be met. Families are our first intimate relationship and because of that it’s hard to see how deep their influence goes—it just seems like those patterns are normal.[i]

These early experiences provide a foundation for the assumptions we make about relationships and sex. These early experiences may bring strength or lingering pain. If we were left with very little guidance on romantic and sexual relationships our imagination or peers or our culture may compensate for this missing information. Fortunately, with some skillful effort romantic relationships have the potential to help piece together experiences of the past and create what we want to intentionally develop in the present.

If you feel like you keep repeating self-sabotaging patterns that leave you feeling lonely, you’re not alone. It may be due to your assumptions about what is normal. Esther Perel notes that seven verbs help us uncover why we engage with others the way we do.[ii] Ponder each one and see where changes can be made.

1. To Ask: Can you ask for what you need, or do you feel like your partner should know what you want and magically provide it? Do you feel that asking is something you’re not entitled to do? You may have been raised with a sense that you cannot ask for your needs or if you do you are sure you will be disappointed. If this is the case, challenge yourself to note your needs (sexual or otherwise) and ask for something you need each day.
2. To Take: “To take” is the heart of pleasure. We must give permission to ourselves to take pleasure, be immersed, and feel deserving of touch, attention, affection, and delight within our sexual relationship. Some people may feel they are never worthy or deserving and this can weigh on a relationship as they will need constant reassurance. Imagine how this attitude drains a relationship, “I don’t want to burden you by asking for sex.” Instead, be bold and take the risk of some healthy entitlement. “May I interest you in a little intimate play?”
3. To Receive: For many people receiving is the most vulnerable. In order to receive we have to feel that we are worthy to receive. We have to acknowledge that someone loves, accepts, and desires us. We acknowledge that want someone to care, give, and please us. Receiving is more vulnerable than giving. In giving we are in charge, in receiving we are exposed and may feel a sense of helplessness—but this is a healthy vulnerability. This is the opportunity to be known, seen, and loved.
4. To Give: Giving can be generously giving presents, attention, or help. However, be aware of when you give to avoid conflict. This is a distortion of giving.
5. To Share: Sharing is iconic in relationships. It is what we hope occurs. Sharing is a mutuality of living. We are both living in abundance within the relationship. If we grew up without scarcity of emotion this will seem natural. But if we grew up without emotional sharing, this would seem difficult and even threatening.
6. To Refuse: We must be able to refuse, if we want to really consent. Gabor Maté asks “What do you not say yes to that is as hurtful as what you don't say no to?”[iii] Learning to refuse is a skill and if you have not developed it, reflect on what the consequences were as a child if you refused. Journal about this skill if it is lacking and practice giving an intentional “yes” or “no.”
7. To Play: Play for children is critical to their development. They learn to work through challenges, be someone they want to be, explore the unknown. Play is equally important for adults. Sex is adult play. Do we feel safe enough in sex to be creative or imaginative? Diane Ackerman says, “In deep play, we can lay aside our sense of self, shed time’s continuum, ignore pain, and sit quietly in the absolute present, watching the world’s ordinary miracles.”[iv] Sex allows us to shed the pressures of the world and sit for a moment in the present with our beloved.

Loneliness in sex may be due to how these verbs are operating in your life, but this can change. Take a quiet 10 minutes and write down your first impression about how each of these verbs influences your intimate connection. Challenge unhealthy assumptions by using self-compassion and being a gentle friend to yourself.

Likely your partner also needs to go through this self-evaluation as well. Discuss with your partner how to create more authentic interactions based on what you both want your relationship to be and shed the old scripts. A quiet mindful approach to each of these verbs will allow you to shed the loneliness and create connection.[v]