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Key points
- We don’t teach people how to talk about their sexual needs.
- Your sexual needs, including those related to sexual frequency, are legitimate.
- Prior to getting married, conduct an intentional interview that includes a few conversations about sexual compatibility.
So often, those who desire a monogamous relationship want their partner to get all their sexual needs met at home while being unwilling to meet those sexual needs themselves. This, inevitably, sets the relationship up for challenges.
Wants vs. Needs
Notice I said "needs" rather than "wants." Oftentimes, in relationships, one partner wants sex more than the other; however, rather than thinking of the frequency of sexual activity as a want, it’s much more helpful to think of it as a need.
Needs Defined
Needs can refer to "that which an organism requires to survive." But an equally legitimate use of the word need refers to "that which an organism requires to thrive." Food, water, and shelter are examples of the former, while love, friendship, and education are examples of the latter. Sex, clearly, can't be in the same group as air, but it can be in the same group as love, friendship, and education—not needed to survive but definitely needed to thrive.
Sexual Needs
Most people don’t think of sex as a need, but it is. (I actually know someone who wrote a book about it.) If this sounds strange to you, it’s because we don’t teach people how to talk about their sexual needs. In fact, we don't even have a consensus that sexual needs exist. But, just as every other dimension of the human experience comes with concomitant needs, so too does our sexuality. Because these needs exist, acknowledging their existence will allow you to understand your partner on a more intimate level.
Avoid Labeling Your Partner
Some people think if their partner wants sex more frequently, they're narcissistic or they're lacking empathy or they're applying pressure, but that’s not often the case. Labeling your partner in a negative light does nothing but kill intimacy and push couples further apart.
How Did This Happen?
The problem of one partner needing sex more than the other often starts with a mutual failure in conducting an “intentional interview” during the courting phase. This intentional interview is essential to managing your sexuality intelligently and should include a few conversations about sexual compatibility. In mate selection, sexual compatibility is an issue most people don't discuss, typically because of shame, guilt, and ignorance. Although we've all been told that "sex isn't everything," sex is, nevertheless, something. In other words, sex matters in sexual relationships, especially monogamous ones.
The Solution
Other than divorce, I can think of two solutions to the sexual incompatibility problem: first, compromise. Say one person needs sex once a month and the other needs sex once a day, so they compromise on 15 times a month. By compromising, they ensure both partners are equally miserable, with one always feeling starved and the other always feeling pressured. It may not be a great solution, but fairness is written all over it. The other solution is an open marriage with multiple options so that everyone is happy. But are they, really?
Three Bits of Advice
I offer clients the following advice:
- You can still love the sexually incompatible person, but you'll never be able to change them. They may change over time, but you're not in control of the process.
- You have the right to be who you are. Your sexual needs (including those related to sexual frequency) are legitimate, and, in that magnificent bell-shaped curve that describes nearly everything about our species, there are lots of other candidates just like you.
- You can learn how to talk comfortably about the sex life you visualize in your current or future monogamous relationship. If your current or future partner isn't a close enough match, you can still love them as you wave bye-bye and sail on to your future (happy) life.
Upgrade Your Mind
Until we stop thinking about the frequency of sex as a want rather than a need, we will continue to misunderstand the nature of the problem. We will continue to label our partners rather than understand them. We will continue to disconnect from our partners rather than achieve the intimacy we’re trying to build. The main goal, for anyone in a loving relationship, is mutual happiness. In order to live a mutually happy life, we must allow ourselves (and others) to thrive by treating sexuality with the same respectful and assertive self-care that we would bring to any other area of our most personal selves.
