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People who become sex partners, spouses, or friends usually connect for the very same reason—because they are attracted to each other.
If the person you are attracted to is the same sex as your usual sexual partners, there is a moment in the new relationship when the two of you, or perhaps only one of you, decide there is no sexual chemistry, so you will be “just friends”.
There are those who feel that a man and woman, or two gay men or two lesbians, can’t be just friends, that there will always be sexual friction between the two. That may be the case for some highly sexualized people but definitely not for everyone.
I have never understood why “just”, in quotes, is somehow suggested to be a lesser arrangement, as in “no, we are not sleeping together; we’re just friends”. Friendships can be lifelong and extremely rewarding while sexual relationships can be fleeting and forgettable.
Humans are social animals and have a need for companionship that differs from sexual desire. The ancient Greeks even had a word for this important relationship—philia. They posited seven different kinds of love:
- Ludus: playful, flirtatious love
- Eros: romantic, passionate love (sexual)
- Storge: familial love
- Pragma: committed, long-lasting love
- Agape: selfless universal love
- Philautia: self-love
- Philia: affectionate, friendly, nonsexual love.
In modern-day terms, we might call philia “friends without benefits”. The ancients saw it as a form of love right up there with all the other ways a person can love and form major life relationships.
Certainly, the initial attraction can happen across a crowded room, but it usually happens from propinquity, being near the other person on a frequent basis, the same way most friendships originate. The setting might be different—sharing classrooms or offices vs. sports teams or neighborhoods—but the results are the same. There are probably as many high school sweethearts who marry as high school friendships that last throughout life.
What if a non-sexual friendship blossoms into romance? It has happened, sometimes years into it, surprising one or both. This can be a pleasant surprise—or an unpleasant one if the feelings are not shared.
Many people say that their life partner is their best friend, and those are the luckiest of people, having both in the same rewarding relationship. However, a friend is someone with whom you can share your deepest feelings, and sometimes they are just gripes about one’s partner!
Friendships, although usually same-sex ones but not always, are a very important part of everyone’s life—and not merely a “just”.
