Is an Open Relationship for You?

I’ve heard all sorts of assumptions about open relationships—that it requires more than two in a bed, that at least one in the couple must be bisexual, that the members of it are all kinky or incapable of being faithful, that those in such a relationship are irresponsible. I’m sure you can come up with a few more. None are necessarily true.

Committed relationships between two people are as different as people are from each other. Some are happy, some fractious, some dull, some passionate. Why would a relationship that involved more than two people not encompass all sorts of possible arrangements as well?

Open relationships can take many forms

Women or men in open relationships might each have one or more significant others. One might have someone significant and the other not. One or both may have only a casual sexual connection but agree not to shake up the relationship by falling in love (as if one could guarantee that) or both might agree to only have sex with outsiders together.

Sometimes an open relationship takes the form of a steady pod of one or more outside the couple. The outsider can be a friend of both in the couple, might even have sex with both, or might be a friend and lover to only one.

Those in open relationships usually crave newness and excitement

There are some people who find comfort in the routine and familiar. These are the people who might have corn flakes, coffee, and toast for breakfast every day of their lives — and they are probably happiest in monogamy. Then there are those who love adventure, and grow restless in a life without newness, challenges, and surprises. They might eat birthday cake for breakfast Monday and leftover roast beef Tuesday. In other words, a comfortable, routine life is not what they seek. Which of these would you expect to arrange an open relationship, or at least to be open to such an arrangement if it presented itself?

Trustworthiness and good communication skills are necessary

Those in an open relationship must be trustworthy for it to work. This is not at all about “cheating"; couples in working open relationships forge a bond and negotiate clear agreements about who is allowed to do what with whom and each has to trust the partner to stick to those agreements. In this sense, fidelity is just as important in open relationships as it is in monogamous ones.

The framework might have a “not with any of our friends” clause or one that states “only with our friends.” Sex with women may be allowed but not with men; only when one is traveling for business; or only at play parties with both in the couple present. Any arrangement the two in the committed couple agree to can work … or work for a while until it doesn’t, or until it stops working for one in the couple.

The qualities in people I have seen in working open relationships are:

• A strong sense of self and what s/he wants from a relationship.
• Excellent communication skills.
• Not jealous or possessive by nature (though jealousy can always rear its head in the most phlegmatic of people).

When beginning an open relationship, clarify your wants

If an open arrangement appeals to you, it is only fair to clarify your wants to an existing or prospective partner regarding the parameters of any sex outside of the primary couple. Fundamental questions such as, “Do you want to share the details of your outside sex or emotional life, or would you rather not know your partner’s?”; “May each of you spend the night elsewhere?”; and “Will any outside partner be introduced to the family?” are crucial to settle beforehand. Unfortunately, they sometimes do not come up until one partner is hurting.

If an open relationship is new to you or your partner, take it slowly. Check in with each other often as to how you both feel. See how each of you is handling any jealousy or insecurity that arises. See if this new arrangement can bring the two of you closer. Perhaps surprisingly, It often does.