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Key points
- Many young men recall a romantic situation as one of their first memories.
- Frequently, the early crush is not considered appropriate by the girl.
- The young man, either then or now, seldom tells adults about his memory.
In my last post, I argued that we have little knowledge about the early romantic and sexual memories of young straight men, yet such memories certainly exist and are remembered with fondness, humor, and (sometimes) significance. Because romantic memories are usually recalled earlier than sexual memories, in this post, I explore early romantic encounters or feelings.
Romantic Memories
Young men’s first romantic/sexual memory was more likely to be an emotional, romantic feeling they had toward a girl rather than one emanating from erotic stimuli inspired by penile stimulation or genital contact with a girl (see next post). Over half of the young men I interviewed recalled exciting memories about the innocence of the first crush, usually at an early age, similar to girls. When asked who the girl was to them, nearly all young men identified the girl as being of the same age, but unfortunately for them, the girl was likely to be “the hottest chick,” which decreased their chances of being her boyfriend.
Some boys confessed to the girl their abiding love, but the feelings were seldom reciprocated. Maybe she had her eye on someone else or did not appreciate the attractions to her because they were “gross.” Here is a sampling of the recollections of the young men, sometimes with life lessons:
- In kindergarten, I said to a girl on the swing set that one day we’d marry each other. She said we wouldn’t. I kissed her on the forehead and chased her, but she ran away.
- After I told her, she freaked out because her crush was not on me, but on another boy. She kissed him in front of me and so I considered her a slut. But I still liked her.
- She kicked me and I pretended it didn’t affect me because I had a crush on her. I think she must have had a crush on me, which was why she kicked me.
- In kindergarten, it didn’t go well. She said I was annoying her, and it felt as bad then as it does now when I’m rejected by a girl. I learned that if I told a girl I liked her, she’d reject me, and that’s the way things have evolved in my life. I guess she helped me learn rejection.
Adults might have been helpful to the young boys by presenting a different interpretation of the situation, but few boys disclosed the information to them. One who did said it was a “colossal mistake because [his parents] laughed rather smugly, dismissed my feelings, like saying, ‘Isn’t that so cute!’”
Delvin
Delvin, 21 years old and a college junior, came to our interview unshaven, with a goatee and a dirty sweatshirt. He reeked of alcohol, and, indeed, he briefly excused himself for a bathroom break to vomit. His responses to questions were frequently delayed and monosyllabic, filled with tangents and non-sequiturs. He described himself as funny, messy, tough, and an alcoholic. He’s always had countless friends and one or two best friends who hung out with him, playing street hockey and football. His reputation was “the bad kid, loud, fat, funny.” He was a member of an all-white, straight fraternity known for its drunken parties. He intended to become a lawyer to defend common people’s civil rights.
When he was 7 years old, his sister celebrated her kid brother’s love affair by arranging a mock wedding to cement the bond between the two lovers, complete with ginger ale for toasting and festive balloons—but no white doves.
Oh Jesus! She was a girl across the street. Blonde and one of a few female friends I had. So, I thought liking a girl meant we had to “do it” with our clothes on. Mutual crush. My sister caught us and said we had to be married first. So, she did a fake wedding for us in the backyard in third grade. We kissed on the lips as quickly and painlessly as possible. We had to kiss because people said we had to. I still love her.
Telling the Girl Was Seldom Helpful
Whether boys told their best friends about their girl-in-waiting or disclosed their feelings to the girl was considerably capricious, though boys tended to keep it to themselves. Friends could be negative, especially if they were competing for the same girl’s attention. When a kindergarten friend made fun of one boy’s “girlfriend,” a fight ensued: “I pushed him down and tried to strangle him.”
Telling the girl was seldom helpful. One boy “wasted a lot of years” before disclosing his crush in fifth grade, but by then, the girl was dating someone else. Sometimes, nothing worked to convince a girl to like the boy. A kindergarten boy was so enamored by his older sister’s best friend that he drew her a picture, based on conversations he had with his older brother, of “my dick going into what I thought a vagina looked like.” Because nothing came of his effort, he concluded she did not like his artwork.
On rare occasions, the crush was reciprocal. A second grader shared his romantic feelings for a classmate by “running up to her and kissing her on the mouth and it shocked her.” They dated by publicly holding hands and, for him, erections; eventually, it blossomed into a full-fledged romantic relationship (with sex) that lasted through middle school.
Normative Romantic Memories
Childhood crushes could be secretive, never pursued, ill-fated, an embarrassment, a source of pride, or lead to further romance and maybe sex. On reflection, most young men recalled positive consequences of their first crush, if for no other reason than it helped them feel “normal.” This was in direct contrast to boys with same-sex attractions who felt their romantic attractions to other boys made them feel “abnormal.”
References
Savin-Williams, R.C. (2021). Bi: Bisexual, pansexual, fluid, and nonbinary youth. New York: New York University Press
