Plan Ahead: 3 Tips to a Better Relationship on Vacation

Summer is here, and many couples are headed out of town for a great trip or staying home for a "staycation." Beautiful weather nudges us toward taking time for fun and relaxation. We've worked hard through the rain and cold, and now we need a break and time for enjoyment. Couples need this time, too, for their relationship. Life gets in the way, and opportunities for extended time together are few and far between. Vacations offer a chance to relax, have fun, and reconnect.

Yet, so often couples come back from a vacation unhappy about the trip that was supposed to be fun but ended up being a disaster. No one had a good time, someone worked harder than the other, you ended up upsetting each other, and there are new messes to clean up in your relationship. When I ask, “Did you make a plan ahead of time for that vacation?” I hear crickets.

I play it out further: “What if you talked about your hopes and needs for that vacation? Such as, 'How late would you like to stay at the beach today?' Or, 'Do you want time to yourself while the kids swim?' 'Museum or tour today?'” I get a universal reaction: “Ohhhhh, yeah, that would have prevented the problem.”

Reactive vs. Proactive Planning

The truth is that couples tend to be reactive rather than proactive in planning for vacations and their relationship. We carry assumptions about the trip without checking them out, or one person leads the whole plan, and either or both carry resentment about this. We create problems for ourselves when we take this approach—problems that are totally avoidable!

We put negativity into the vacation itself and then have to clean up the unhappiness that was created.

Taking time to talk about the vacations and our expectations, and our hopes and needs, helps us feel connected and supported going into the experience. Make a plan and create the supports to proactively help you both enjoy your vacation, which you both need and crave, as a loving, happy couple.

Vacations are intentional breaks from work and regular life. Our priorities for this time are often different for each person:

• Some want time with friends for reconnecting and visiting.
• Some want and need rest.
• Some want quality time with kids and other family.
• Some want to get stuff done around the house that gets put off.
• Some want to relax and have fun with friends and each other.

There isn't one right way and one wrong way to vacation. Still, we end up struggling against these differences. Sometimes we only end up realizing these differences once we are in the middle of a fight about unmet hopes and needs. We rarely spend the time to talk through these differences in needs and desires for our time off, and then we end up feeling unsupported and undervalued.

Think about what priorities you have and what physical and emotional needs they meet. Next, think about your partner and be curious about what theirs might be. Notice also what your reactions are to their imagined needs. Does it bring compassion and love to mind, or do you find yourself irritated and resentful at the thought of what they want and need? As you do this, imagine them thinking of your needs. How do you want them to feel when they think of your needs and desires?

When a vacation comes along, you will be clear and ready, preventing problems and building fun and connection into the process. Begin talking together long before your upcoming vacations about what you want and need.

Additionally, travel itself can be challenging and exhausting, and, like everything, we each have our ways of getting through the annoying and challenging parts of navigating traffic and airports. Time away can be fraught with differing needs and hopes, and the tendency to get stuck in our “at home” behaviors.

Relationships Essential Reads

The 8 Different Types of Breakups and What They Teach Us

When Social Support Can Do Harm

Take time to check in with your partner about their stress level around vacations. Do either of you feel stress, grief, worry, or frustration as you think about upcoming trips? As you hear about this, practice just listening without judgment. Reflect on what you hear and contemplate how you can support your partner. Take note of these things and work to create a plan for upcoming visits.

Watch how this brings you closer. See how upcoming vacations go much more smoothly with proactively created plans that support you. Build this as a new habit and watch this support your relationship with each other. In doing so, not only will you have a better time together but your relationship may also grow healthier and stronger as a result of this practice!

3 Tips for Making Vacations Most Connecting

1. Communicate expectations and needs. Discuss your hopes, needs, and expectations for the vacation with your partner ahead of time. This helps prevent misunderstandings and ensures you both feel supported and connected.
2. Plan together. Make a plan that considers both your needs and your partner's. Whether it’s how long to stay on a hike or how to balance rest and activities, planning together builds unity and prevents conflict.
3. Check in regularly. During the vacation, check in with each other about how you’re feeling and if your needs are being met. This ongoing communication helps you stay connected and adapt your plans as needed.

By proactively planning and communicating, you can create the vacation and summer you both need.