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Motivation
How to Navigate Post-Pandemic School Culture
Part 2: What warrants talking to the school, what to let it go, and why.
Posted April 20, 2022 Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
Key points
- It may be wise for a parent to let it go when a teacher does something they don't like, as long as it isn’t significantly harmful to the child.
- Harmful comments and actions from a teacher are those that question a child’s capability or suggest that the teacher dislikes them.
- Letting go is an exercise in building resilience, which is necessary for dealing with inevitable disappointments.
Unless you’re very lucky, at some point between kindergarten and twelfth grade, your child will have at least one teacher who does or says something you think they shouldn’t. So, what should or shouldn’t you do about it?
Consider your goals
Using an approach I suggest for many challenging situations, begin with the end in mind. Consider your goals and what might get in the way of achieving them. Parents have three wishes that drive many of their actions when their kids are in school: 1) that their children do well and have teachers who like them, 2) that teachers treat their kids with kindness and respect, and 3) that their children ultimately learn to navigate life’s inevitable disappointments and unpleasantness independently.
The first wish is understandable. Teachers who like your children will help them more, and children perform better when they perceive that their teachers like them. All of us prefer some people to others — teachers included — and, despite our best efforts, we do behave differently when we feel differently toward people. We may not be cruel to those we dislike, but we will go out of our way for those we like. And most parents probably want teachers to go out of their way for their children.
Regarding the second wish, even though most of us probably imagine ourselves to be both kind and respectful, others may not see us as we wish to be seen. I have observed, for example, both children and parents offering no acknowledgment or “thank you” to the teacher holding the door open for them as they enter a school building. I doubt those parents think they or their children are impolite, but the teacher may. Similarly, some teachers with a different communication style from your family’s may appear rude or insensitive without meaning to.
Your hope for your children’s ultimate resilience and independence depends greatly on how you respond to what challenges them while they still live under your roof. When your kids grow up and you are no longer close at hand to intervene every time something challenges or disappoints them, the only solution over which they will have complete control is how they moderate their interpretation of other people’s behavior and its impact on them. This takes practice, and the practice may as well begin now.
Has there been irreparable harm?
With these wishes in mind, before determining what action you want to take when your child complains about a teacher, ask yourself a question that many teachers ask students who are experiencing conflict with a peer: Is this a big deal or a little deal? Consider whether the teacher’s action or inaction caused irreparable harm to your child. In most cases, it hasn’t; and if that’s the case, I suggest that you let it go. Remember, too, to have some compassion for the teacher who is likely still recovering from the enormous stress the pandemic placed on educators nationwide.
Even if what happened in the classroom may feel like a big deal to your children, and even if your children’s distress upsets you, keep your eyes on the prize, which is preparing them for the future — not enabling their hypersensitivity. You want to arm them with defense, not massage the trauma.
Suggest dismissing what was said or done, recognizing it as untrue. Ask if they think they should believe what someone else said and internalize someone else’s negativity? You can demonstrate how you let go of situations in your life and determine whether something is worth holding onto. You may want to highlight the emotional cost of holding on and how it makes you feel, and also how you feel when you relinquish sadness and pain.
Let’s look at a relevant example from the sports world. I like sports comparisons because athletes are so visible, and we see their successes and disappointments so clearly.
A lesson in letting go
A few years ago, Sports Illustrated featured Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow on its cover. At the time, he was still in college, recently transferred to LSU, where his winning season concluded with his receiving the Heisman Trophy for most outstanding collegiate player of the year.
In high school, Burrow was rejected by his first choice, Nebraska, the alma mater of his father and brothers. He got into Ohio State, but sat on the bench for three years, his coaches deciding that he wasn’t the better quarterback. Believing in himself and wanting more playing time, he applied again to Nebraska and was again rejected. He also applied to LSU, where he was accepted, and the rest is history. Only a few months ago, Burrow nearly won the Super Bowl, and there are few today who doubt his ability.
The experts who implied or explicitly told Burrow he wasn’t as good as he thought he was early in his college career were proven wrong. By not internalizing their words, he preserved his own ideas about his capability. If he had let others significantly influence his sense of self, he likely would not have achieved what he has so far. I would imagine he had to let a lot go over the years. He knew his mom or dad couldn’t call or email the coaches and complain to them that Joe felt they didn’t believe in him—that they should let him play in more games and criticize him less.
At some point, parents must step aside and let their kids navigate these kinds of situations independently. Sure, you can coach them, but you can’t be by their side through college and beyond. And if you wait until then, they will have had no practice doing what they need to do to build their resilience and their faith in themselves.
When you let something go or encourage your child to do the same, it does not mean you are suggesting that your child should be passive. It is instead an effort to teach your child that many things other people say are not worth dwelling on because the people who said them might be frustrated, tired, or have a different set of expectations.
To be sure, there will be some teacher behavior that feels too serious not to address—statements that persistently undermine your child’s self-confidence or actions that reflect the teacher’s bias against your child. My next post will offer suggestions for how to work with your children’s teachers in those situations when "letting it go" is not possible.
