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Key points
- Relationships with colleagues often mirror those outside of work.
- A work friend’s betrayal can hurt just like any other.
- Managing the relationship can become crucial for job security, causing additional pain.
Given how much time you spend working, many of the relationships you share with your colleagues can grow to resemble friendships you have outside of work. After all, you laugh and cry with your coworkers, share personal details about your life, and support each other through good times and bad.
Through these interactions, you slowly, often without realizing it, place your trust in the people you describe as “work friends” or simply as “friends,” expecting loyalty just as you would from anyone else holding these esteemed labels. Not surprisingly, should you discover a work friend has betrayed you, it can sting as if a friend from a different area of your life behaved similarly.
But, according to Dr. Elyse Dub, psychologist and founder of Insight Onsite, a mental well-being company that helps foster work relationships, there’s a stark difference: “You often must continue navigating the relationship for the sake of your job, and this can take an emotional toll.”
So, what’s the best way to deal with a workplace betrayal? Consider the following suggestions.
Get your facts straight
Getting your facts straight about whether there was a betrayal is important. Before jumping to conclusions, take a step back and determine what’s fact and what’s interpretation. Did your work friend sabotage you, or did they act without you in mind? Did they put their interests first, resulting in you suffering harm? Depending on your answers, it may change how you see your circumstances.
After this exercise, Dr. Dub suggests scheduling a private conversation with your work friend so you can get the story directly from the source, making sure to use “I” statements (such as “I want to understand more about …”) rather than being accusatory.
“Misinformation and gossip,” Dr. Dub says, “are frequently spread when sentences start with, ‘I heard …’”
Confront your emotions
If, after evaluating the situation, you still conclude your work friend betrayed you, it’s time to confront your emotions. Feeling sad, angry, or shocked after learning someone you trusted acted in a way that went against your best interests is natural.
Dr. Dub suggests taking a moment to acknowledge what’s happened and why you’re hurt.
“Be curious,” she says, “and ask yourself, ‘How am I feeling?’ Then, name your emotions so you can lean into them. Emotions need motion to help you move on.”
Own your part
As you introspect about the betrayal, ask yourself if you did anything to warrant your work friend treating you like they did. Did you deliberately or inadvertently do something at work to betray their trust? It could be that your work friend was reacting to your behavior.
“It’s easy to solely blame the other person when, in reality, Dr. Dub says, “a relationship is a two-way street with each person contributing to that relationship in a multitude of ways.”
Should you determine that your actions contributed to what transpired, you must now decide how to address the situation with your work friend.
Dr. Dub says, “If there were things you could have done better, say so. While it may not make you feel better in the moment, taking ownership can help you learn and grow.”
Find the silver lining
When someone feels betrayed, Dr. Dub says, “it may be hard to figure out the silver lining.”
However, new understandings can come in time with some soul-searching. Dr. Dub suggests reflecting on what you’ve learned about yourself in work friendships, your values, and what you can do differently in similar relationships moving forward.
Consider also whether the work betrayal caused you to lose something, such as a promotion or a job, only to allow you to find a better one or to consider alternative ways to direct your career. Or whether the work betrayal has given you a much-awaited reason to pursue something else.
Consider forgiving your coworker
People make mistakes, including work friends, and they can feel remorseful afterward. If your work friend comes to you seeking your forgiveness, ask yourself if you’re ready to give it to them. More importantly, if they don’t come to you, consider forgiving them anyway to move forward from a negative, even toxic, situation.
Dr. Dub says, “When you hold on to anger or other strong emotions, it can feel emotionally exhausting and leave you with diminished resources for coping outside of this conflict.”
She explains that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you forget what happened; instead, forgiving helps the sting of betrayal dissipate, allowing you to foster new relationships or strengthen existing ones.
Don’t take the betrayal personally
Yes, your work friend may have set out to hurt you, but that doesn’t mean their behavior reflects your value as an employee or a person. The way someone behaves, even if your behavior somehow figured into theirs, is ultimately on them.
“In work relationships especially,” Dr. Dub says, “there is the added complexity of competition for jobs, clients, promotions, etc., and the betrayal may have more to do with that and less with you.”
Move forward
Moving forward could entail numerous efforts at once. It could mean forgiving your work friend. It could also mean forgiving yourself for not seeing the betrayal before it happened, not being more proactive in preventing it, not doing enough damage control at work afterward, or not looking for other professional opportunities sooner. The key for all is to stop dwelling on a toxic situation.
Dr. Dub emphasizes that with some reflection and a renewed sense of values and priorities, you can become better equipped to build new relationships at work.
“Just because a work friend has betrayed you,” she says, “doesn’t mean it will happen again.”
