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The Pressure to Empathize With Everyone About Everything
What if we can’t?
Posted February 4, 2024 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Key points
- Empathy is a very popular topic in psychology and pop culture.
- There is often both a desire and pressure to empathize with nearly everyone about nearly everything.
- We can’t all empathize about everything, and we owe it to those we are supporting to be honest about that.
When it comes to many of the topics with which psychology concerns itself—stress, health, coping, even longevity—one variable consistently stands out: social support.
Today, no one questions the power of social support for improving both physical and mental health and well-being. But what is it, exactly, about social support that makes something that seems simple—support from others—so seemingly magical?
While even the mere presence of another human can be immeasurably helpful in staving off issues like depression from isolation, one aspect of social support stands out: empathy.
What Is Empathy?
The American Psychological Association defines empathy, in part, as “understanding a person from their frame of reference rather than one’s own.” And then, I would add, responding accordingly. It’s an important component of emotional intelligence.
In my psychology classes, I show this short clip animating Brené Brown’s explanation of empathy. In it, she makes an essential distinction between sympathy and empathy. In short, she says that empathy is “feeling with” another person. It’s often presented as “deeper” than sympathy.
Experts often explain sympathy as “feeling bad for” another person whereas empathy, they say, is “truly understanding how another person feels.”
Stemming from Brown’s explanation, I tend to say that empathy is more like “climbing down into the hole with the other person.” The problem is that we don’t all “get it.” Some of us have never been in that hole and never will be. So can we empathize?
Empathy Pressure
Today, unlike in the past, most of my students are familiar with the concept of empathy. Due to social media, many of them can quickly tell me the difference between sympathy and empathy.
Empathy is popular and desirable. We want to be able to give that to other people. That’s great! I tell my class, however, that we have to be honest about our ability to do so.
No one benefits from false empathy, even when it’s well-intentioned.
We Can’t Empathize All The Time
This strong pressure and urge to empathize can lead us to pretend that we understand a person’s experience and related feelings when it’s just not possible. And there is nothing wrong with admitting that it’s not possible, but that’s a terrifying prospect for many of us.
Privilege—our social position/power/advantages based on our perceived identities—pretty much guarantees that we can’t truly understand everyone’s perspective, experience, or frame of reference. This means that in some cases, we are not really going to be able to empathize.
We need to be honest about that.
No one benefits from anyone else pretending to “get it.” Let me put it this way: If I don’t and won’t experience an “ism” in my life, it is unethical for me to suggest that I somehow understand a person’s experience of that “ism.”
That doesn’t feel good to say, but that doesn’t make it any less true.
Facing Reality
So how do we deal with this reality? First and foremost is the obvious: honesty. We have to be honest with ourselves about barriers to our ability to provide support to someone and we absolutely must be truthful with that person.
In my career, I’ve seen this honest approach go very, very wrong. It sometimes turns acknowledging privilege into what seems like bragging or dismissiveness.
Any authentic response and acknowledgment of the limitations to one’s ability to empathize absolutely must be approached with care. And perhaps because it’s not easy or comfortable to do, we avoid it—a possible explanation for empathy pretense.
This is why it’s so important that mental health services are inclusive and representative. No one wants a therapist who feigns understanding when they literally cannot. Similarly, no one wants a friend who says they “get it” when they simply do not.
Sympathy Isn’t Always Bad
Sympathy is often presented as something bad. It’s not empathy, so it’s callous and doesn’t go far enough. Yet sometimes it’s as far as we can go.
Yes, everyone deserves empathy. But we deserve authentic empathy; real empathy from the right people.
This Is Not An Excuse
Am I saying not to try to empathize? Of course not. This isn’t an excuse to just throw up your hands and walk away. It is, however, an opportunity to provide genuine support.
When explaining the above, students and others tend to argue, “But just because I won’t ever experience something like trauma doesn’t mean I can’t feel what it would be like to experience trauma.”
I disagree. While it certainly indicates our desire to help others, that can be a selfish response that ignores the power of privilege. We need to make space for people to tell us that we don’t understand, we can’t understand, and we won’t understand.
At some point, striving to empathize in such situations can become more about us than about helping the other person. We need the validation, we don’t want to be seen as flawed or lacking in some way, so we refuse to let that person own their experience.
It’s About Authenticity
I love empathy. I think it’s great. I am a fan of efforts to promote it. I absolutely believe we can foster empathy and continue to use it to prevent issues like violence.
At the same time, we need to acknowledge limits to empathy.
Sure, it’s frustrating to not be able to do something we want to be able to do, especially when it centers around helping people we care about, but it will do more harm than good to pretend. Real connection, real support, is, after all, about authenticity.
