Are You as Civil as You Think?

Source: Jean Wimmerlin / Unsplash

We’re in the thick of it now, Americans. There’s one month left until we take to the polls, and with each passing year, it feels like we’re moving farther and farther away from the civility and decorum of yesteryear.

Actually, it’s not just a feeling. In one survey, 85 percent of Americans said civility was worse now than a decade ago. Respondents blamed social media, media, politicians, and schools for the perceived decline in civility—but they didn’t blame themselves.

What is civility?

Some definitions of civility revolve around politeness and “being nice.” But being polite or nice erases the messiness and urgency of political action. I prefer the explanation from Organizing Engagement:

Social interactions in which participants maintain respect for one another, and demonstrate respectful behavior toward one another, even when they disagree.

How can you tell if you’re civil?

Civility requires a focus on respect and dignity. It’s not about just being nice.

1. Do you have friends who vote differently than you?

One way to tell if you’re civil is to notice if you let people into your life who think differently than you. With the rise of divisive, all-or-nothing politics, many of us have deleted anyone who expresses a difference of opinion.

Deleting people from your social media platforms who vote differently creates an echo chamber that exacerbates your own confirmation bias. Confirmation bias is when you roll new evidence into your already existing beliefs. We’re all guilty of it, but staying open to differing opinions is important. If everything around us confirms what we already think, we’re not learning or growing, and we’re setting ourselves up to be very wrong in the future. Simply put, it creates blind spots.

Shutting out people who think differently than you in real life might be worse than online. We need the support of our families and neighbors, regardless of their politics, if we’re to live in a truly civil society.

2. Are you able to talk politics with people with whom you disagree?

Another litmus test for civility is whether or not you can talk politics in the first place. I was raised not to talk about it at all, but inevitably, it comes up anyway. When it does, do you find yourself raising your voice and shutting people down, or can you hold it together and listen to people who think differently than you?

People rarely talk politics beyond their political party out of fear of eroding or destroying relationships, but these are missed opportunities. A deliberative democracy is one in which decisions are made only after its citizenry parses out the pros and cons of individual policies. This can’t happen if we stick solely to our team or insult people based on their party affiliation.

One way toward deliberative democracy is to stick to policies and leave emotions out of the conversation. When we start interpreting and dissecting policies, many shared ideas and values exist across party lines. Health, safety, freedom? Those might be areas that connect and unite us, areas we can agree upon.

However, agreeing isn’t the point of deliberative democracy. Talking civilly and respectfully about issues is the goal in itself.

3. Are you only trying to win?

Politics isn’t a sporting event or reality show. If your goal is for your side to win at all costs, you might not be as civil as you think.

Again, think about policies and values. If your goals are to improve the world and your community for the next generation, it’s much more likely that you’re thinking civilly. A winner-take-all attitude can drive people further apart and decrease their tolerance for discussion and debate.

4. Can you find merit in their counterclaim?

If you can’t list anything positive about the other side, you’re not as civil as you think.

Any good debater knows you have to be able to see the merits of the other side’s arguments to talk about issues and ultimately win out. So, if you’re hard-pressed to say one kind thing about the other side, you’re probably stuck in divisiveness.

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Work toward civility by thinking beyond your confirmation bias and asking yourself what the other side is getting right.

5. Can you admit your own counterclaim?

Similarly, if you can’t admit there are chinks in your armor and things your party could be doing better, you aren’t as civil as you could be. No person or political body is perfect. That means there are ideas and approaches your side could improve upon.

Being able to admit when you’re wrong is a cornerstone of civility. If that’s never going to happen for you, your civility could use some work.

6. Are you prone to name-calling?

One of the most obvious indicators of a lack of civility is name-calling. The moment I write you off as a dumb-dumb or stupid-head is the moment I stop being civil and certainly stop being open to your ideas.

Again, keep it about policies and values and keep it away from name-calling.

7. Do you think you’re better than the other side?

Relatedly, if you think you’re superior to your political opponents, you’re probably not being as civil as you could be. Obviously, you think you’re politically correct, but that’s very different than superior.

In psychology, there’s something called the hubris hypothesis. Basically, people find it offputting when you positively compare yourself to others instead of when you’re optimistic about your future (sans comparisons).

If you compare yourself to the people across the political aisle and think you’re the best, people are less inclined to want to be around you. Try to take the comparison out of the equation. You’re not better or worse than anyone else, and our futures are inextricably linked, regardless of politics.

Source: Dan Counsell / Unsplash

So, how civil are you?

So how’d you do? Are there things you could do today to be more civil and open to others?

Are you able to be respectful, even when you disagree with others? Some days, it feels like civility is a lost art or that one side blames the other for its decline.

Imagine what would happen if we took civility into our own hands and focused on what we could do to be more civil to our own friends, families, neighbors, and colleagues.

Keep it about policies and values. Try to keep emotions and personalities out of it. Don’t try to change people’s minds. Listen to understand someone else’s point of view. Listen with an open mind and heart.

All that civility might matter more than the results of one election. All that civility might be the secret sauce that keeps democracy going. All that civility starts with you.