What Can Blind You to Narcissism

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Some traits or dynamics can blind you to what others might see as huge, flashing warning signs of entering a relationship with someone who is narcissistic.

Let's talk about six of them. And I'll use examples from my practice to clarify these ideas.

You don’t label abuse as abuse.

The abuse may be familiar to you and may even be labeled "love."

After several years of seeing a woman who’d declared in our first session that her relationship with her spouse was not a problem, but in fact, was especially sexually satisfying, she revealed just how controlling and abusive he was. He would order for her at a restaurant, choosing something he wanted to eat. He chose particular colors of nail polish that she was allowed to wear. And some of his control was through demeaning sexual demands. She had seemingly childlike ways of getting “back” at him for this control, and once we identified these, she discovered her real anger. But what made her vulnerable to this? Her biological father had been sexually abusive to her – and called their relationship “normal” for years. Her version of normal wasn’t normal at all.

You’re accustomed to rigid rules.

This could be similar to the first example. But perhaps the previous control in your family or culture wasn't “abusive” per se. Perhaps you were told you couldn’t go to a certain college but needed to attend the one where the rest of the family had gone. Or you were told you’d follow a certain religion or cultural expectation. Love was conditional. "Follow the rules, and you'll be loved." So, having someone enter your life who imposed their rules on you might again have seemed normal. Even if those rules always seemed to fall in their favor.

You aren't loved for you but for what you can be for someone else.

I’m currently reading Katherine Schafler's The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, in which she writes:

Children who don’t feel loved will do anything to earn that love. You need a distraction? I’ll become a project. You need to not be sad? I’ll be happy enough for the whole family. You need me to be less of a burden? I won’t even make a sound when I chew. Everything a child who does not feel loved does is done to answer this question. Am I worth loving yet?

So imagine what you might feel when you initially meet this highly successful, suave, charming (although narcissistic) person. You're likely to feel immensely valued because of their interest in you. Never mind that the relationship is all about them. And your job is to be what they need you to be. And since they're not likely to give you any kind of consistent affirmation, you're stuck asking that question, "Am I enough?"

You take lots of responsibility.

Someone with narcissistic dynamics who takes little to no responsibility for their actions or sees themselves as under-appreciated will seek out those who take lots of responsibility. And if you can see one shred of evidence that maybe you cut them short or got a little impatient—maybe yelled or forgot something—then the narcissist will quickly blame, and the over-responsible one will tell themselves, “Well, they’re right. I’m flawed. I’m so lucky they’re with me.”

You’re not street smart–or you’re naïve.

Growing up in bad circumstances, even dangerous ones, can make you wary of hidden agendas. You grow up knowing that not everyone can be trusted—and you may be more likely to recognize narcissism when it comes along. But someone who was more protected or didn’t run into people who didn’t care if they were harmed will be naïve to recognizing pathology in others. They may be much more seduced by the idea they’re “needed” and jump in quickly to help or to heal.

Seeing manipulation, especially when you’re the target, takes some emotional and mental maturity or life experience.

You ignored your gut and denied or discounted a clue that there was a problem.

Perfectionism and shame can keep you stuck.

I'm a living, breathing example of this issue. I’ve done it. I stayed in an abusive relationship because I felt ashamed that I hadn't seen the dynamic before I did.

This can be a part of any relationship. In a relationship with a narcissist, while you’re regularly getting slammed, shamed, or blamed for many things, turning around, looking in the mirror, and saying, “I forgive you,” can seem impossible. You can feel stuck, trying to make something right that will never be unless your narcissistic partner takes responsibility. And that is highly unlikely. Not impossible. But without seeking help or treatment, unlikely. So you dedicate yourself to trying to make the relationship look "perfect."

Narcissism Essential Reads

Early Narcissistic Red Flags in Children

A New Way to Think About Narcissism

The good news is that you can realize these dynamics. And you can watch for your blind spots the next time you choose a partner.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.