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In our last two posts, we learned about how essential special time is to connect with your child and change their behavior. Here are the remaining six tips on how to structure special time so that it can become a regular and positive part of your family routine.
7. What if they want to do something they aren't usually allowed to do?
Consider whether there's a way to do it safely, since you're there to help and keep them safe. Maybe you always tell her that it's too dangerous to jump off the dresser onto the bed, but for special time you can push the bed next to the dresser and stay with her as she jumps to be sure she's safe. Maybe he's always wanted to play with his dad's shaving cream but you weren't about to let him waste a can of it, or to clean it up. For special time, you might decide to gift him with his own can of cheap shaving cream and let him play with it in the tub, and then the two of you can clean it up together. If you can't grant her desire (go to Hawaii), find a way to approximate it (make grass skirts and play hula dancing together.)
Why bother? Your child learns that you really do care about his desires, even if you can't always give him what he wants (so he's less likely to feel like he never gets his way, and more likely to cooperate in general). And since these desires will no longer be forbidden fruit after your child has a chance to indulge her curiosity and experience them, she's less likely to try them behind your back.
8. When it's your day to decide what to do, roughhouse!
Initiate games for laughter, emotional intelligence, and bonding. That usually means roughhousing in a way that gets your child giggling. I know, it sounds like a lot of energy. But it's only for 10 minutes, and it will energize you, too. I promise. Favorite themes include:
- Power ("You can't get away from me! Hey, where'd you go? You're too fast for me!")
- Rebellion, control, and breaking the rules ("Whatever you do, don't get off the couch! Oh, no, now I have to give you 20 kisses! Where do you want them?")
- Mock aggression (Pillow fights.)
- Separation and reunion (Peekaboo, hide and seek, the Bye Bye Game, "No, don't leave me!")
- Fear ("I'm the scary monster coming to get you ... Oh, I tripped ... Now, where did you go? EEK! You scared ME!") Be just scary enough to get your child giggling, but not scary enough to scare him.
You might also tackle a specific issue that your child is struggling to masterby, for instance, playing school. Let him be the teacher and assign you tons of homework and embarrass you when you don't know the answer. Or play basketball and let her dominate the court.
In all these games, the parent bumbles ineffectually, blusters, and hams it up, but just can't catch the strong, fast, smart child who always bests us. The goal is giggling, which releases the same anxieties that are offloaded with tears, so whatever gets your child giggling, do more of that! A great source of ideas for games is Dr. Lawrence Cohen's book Playful Parenting, which has inspired many of the games I suggest. Here are some links with more ideas:
- Games for Bonding and Emotional Intelligence
- Let's Get Physical–Games to Connect With Your Child
- More Games to Transform Tears to Laughter
9. Don't structure special time.
I used to call this "quality time," but that often confused parents. After all, reading to kids, or baking cookies with them—aren't those activities quality time? Yes, indeed, and they're wonderful things to do with your child. But they aren't special time. So I borrowed the name special time from my friend Patty Wipfler at Hand in Hand Parenting. As kids get older, they may request more structured activities, which is fine—but that's why the parent reserves the right to choose the activity on alternate days, to focus on connection and emotional processing. So no screens, no books, no structured activities. Instead, show up and connect!
10. End special time when the timer buzzes.
If your child has a meltdown, handle it with the same compassionate empathy with which you would greet any other meltdown ("It's so hard to stop ... I loved our time together too ... You can cry as much as you want, sweetie, I am right here") and give him your full attention in his meltdown. But don't think of that as extending special time, just as you would not give your child anything else that he has a tantrum about, like an extra cookie. Special time needs boundaries around it to signal that the rules aren't the same as in regular life.
11. Be aware that often your child's emotions will bubble up during special time.
This means that often children fall apart when the timer signals that special time is over. That doesn't mean that your child is a bottomless pit. It means that they finally got something they were needing and wanting, and losing it again feels like the end of the world.
It's good to schedule a little cushion at the end in case your child has a meltdown, especially when you're just starting out, or when your child has been having a hard time. When the meltdown begins, just empathize, and give yourself a pat on the back for being the kind of parent your child trusts enough to express all these big feelings. Once he cries, those feelings will dissipate, and he'll feel so much better—and so much more connected to you.
What's so special about special time? It transforms our relationship with our child. And since that relationship is 90% of our parenting, you can't get more special than that!
"Giving your child special time is an active form of listening, in which your child’s play becomes her vehicle for telling you about her life and perceptions." –Patty Wipfler
"Special time is priceless because it symbolizes the parent’s unconditional love for the child." –B.J. Howard
Click here to watch Dr. Laura's video "Making 'Special-Time' Effective."
