How to Change Your Child's Behavior—Without Punishment

In our last post, we discussed how punishing kids creates more misbehavior. We started describing the steps to take to guide children without punishment. In today’s post, we will finish discussing these steps and leave you with a challenge to start taking action this week.

Source: JenkoAtaman/AdobeStock

6. Teach kids to repair.

Begin with the early lesson that we all clean up our own messes by matter-of-factly grabbing paper towels and helping your child clean up his spilled milk, with no blame and no shame. As he gets a bit older, suggest that once he calms down, he can find a way to make up with his sister after a fight: Would she like a hug? A drawing? To play a game? Resist shaming, and model repair and apologizing. You'll find him following in your footsteps.

7. Remember that all “misbehavior” is an expression, however misguided, of a legitimate need.

He has a reason, even if you don't think it's a good one. His behavior is terrible? He must feel terrible inside. Does he need more sleep, more connection with you, more downtime, more chance to cry and release those upsetting emotions we all store up? Address the underlying need and you eliminate the misbehavior.

8. Say YES.

Kids will do almost anything we request if we make the request with a loving heart. Find a way to say YES instead of NO even while you set your limit.

"YES, it's time to clean up, and YES I will help you and YES we can leave your tower up and YES you can growl about it and YES if we hurry we can read an extra story and YES we can make this fun and YES I adore you and YES how did I get so lucky to be your parent? YES!"

Your child will respond with the generosity of spirit that matches yours.

9. Reconnect, every day.

Remember that every interaction is an opportunity for either connection—or disconnection. And once a day, turn off the phone, close the computer, and tell your child:

"OK, I'm all yours for the next 20 minutes. What should we do?"

Follow her lead. The world is full of humiliation for kids, so for these 20 minutes just be an incompetent bumbler and let her win. Giggling releases pent-up fears and anxiety, so make sure to play, giggle, be silly. Have a pillow fight. Wrestle. Snuggle. Let her tell you what's on her mind, let her rant or cry. Just accept all those feelings. Be 100% present. Feeling delight in your child may be the most important factor in his development. And his cooperation.

10. Remember that connection and compassion are the secrets that help children want to follow your lead.

We only have influence with our child when he feels connected to us. He only feels connected when he feels understood, and when we respond with compassion and acceptance instead of judgment.

But compassion isn't only for your child. Start with yourself. You can’t be a loving parent if you’re feeling bad about yourself, any more than your child can act “right” if she feels bad about herself.

When all else fails, give yourself a big hug. Then give your child a big hug, and try a "do-over." Connection and compassion will transform any relationship.

Don't believe it? Try prioritizing connection and compassion this week and see what kind of miracle you can make.

****

*A study done by the National Institute of Mental Health[i] concluded that timeouts are effective in getting toddlers to cooperate, but only temporarily. The children misbehaved more than children who were NOT disciplined with timeout, even when their mothers took the time to talk with them afterward. Michael Chapman and Carolyn Zahn -Wexler, the authors of the study, concluded that the children were reacting to the perceived “love withdrawal” by misbehaving more. That’s in keeping with the studies on love withdrawal as a punishment technique, which show that kids subjected to it tend to exhibit more misbehavior, worse emotional health, and less developed morality [ii]. These results aren’t surprising, given how much children need to feel connected to us to feel safe, and how likely they are to act out when they don’t feel safe.

Want to explore the research behind this approach? The citations for this post can be found here.