5 Ways to Use Emotional Intelligence Against a Narcissist

Five emotionally intelligent tools may help you when you are dealing with a narcissist. These strategies draw from general components of emotional intelligence, including emotional regulation, an understanding of relational dynamics, and self-awareness.

If you are emotionally intelligent, you are usually aware of how you feel. Recognizing, identifying and processing difficult emotions allows you to understand them and to act on them constructively instead of defensively. However, a narcissist often gets you to doubt how you feel because they impose their distorted version of reality onto you. Getting you to distrust how you feel may be their most dangerous weapon. Therefore, one emotionally intelligent tool to use with a narcissist involves trusting what you feel. If you feel like something wildly unfair is happening in the relationship, then it probably is. Trust what you feel.

The ability to emotionally regulate also allows you to appear calm even in situations when you are being significantly evoked and provoked. If you “lose it,” which is understandable in these situations, the narcissist may indicate that you are the one who is “unhinged.” They may also take what you said in the heat of the moment and broadcast it to everyone you know behind your back. Although it may be extremely difficult, remaining calm when a narcissist is attempting to gaslight you is key.

As an EI person, you have a sophisticated ability to understand relational dynamics. This gift comes in handy when you are educating yourself on the ways in which a narcissist manipulates you. A narcissist usually embeds a sliver of the truth somewhere in their distorted narrative. Often when you hear one truthful fact, you then presume the entire narrative must be accurate, when it is not. Remind yourself not to buy into a narcissist’s false narrative just because they include one tiny bit of truth in it.

Self-awareness is another key component of emotional intelligence. You are a person who “looks in the mirror.” This allows you to take responsibility for a mistake in a relationship and is usually a wonderful quality, but it can backfire with a narcissist. For example, say you are arguing with a narcissist, and they hit below the belt and say cruel things. You may “lose it,” and say mean things back. You may feel guilty and be tempted to sweep the entire interaction under the rug because you did something wrong too. Instead of taking this route, it is important to only own your part in the exchange. Simply own your small transgression and continue to hold the narcissist accountable for their emotional mistreatment.

The last strategy involves combining emotional regulation, an understanding of relational dynamics, and self-awareness. Your EI allows you to remain calm, reflect on the situation, understand the manipulation, and set a boundary so you are not sabotaged or exploited again in the future by the narcissist. When you set a boundary, it is important to be concise and matter-of-fact. In as few words as possible and without defending yourself, put a boundary in place. For example, “I’ll take over my social media from now on. It causes too many arguments, but thanks for your help thus far.” If the narcissist demands an explanation, simply repeat the boundary. You may have to politely repeat it several times before they accept it.

Utilizing emotionally intelligent tactics when you are dealing with a narcissist is imperative. It may take some practice, but it may save you from additional emotional mistreatment. You can find additional information on this topic in my new book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist; Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work, and In Life.