2 Emotionally Intelligent Traits Manipulated by a Narcissist

Self-awareness and the ability to consider a different perspective are emotionally intelligent capabilities. Although these are healthy tendencies that allow us to maintain close relationships with others who also share these strengths, they can also be easily manipulated by a narcissist at the beginning of a relationship. Knowing how a narcissist exploits these strengths may help you protect your self-esteem and mental health.

The ability to look in the mirror gives you an awareness of how your actions and words impact others. It also allows you to own your part in a conflict. These abilities tend to make you accountable and trustworthy in the context of an interpersonal relationship. Typically, you are someone who looks at themselves and, thus, takes responsibility for a selfish moment or mistake in a relationship. Owning a misstep, repairing it, and gaining insight about yourself so you do not repeat the same error probably makes you a reliable and emotionally safe person in most of your relationships.

Conversely, a narcissist often lacks the ability to truly self-reflect. They are frequently unaware of how their words and behaviors impact others because they do not look inward. Instead, they quickly assign blame outward, exonerating themselves. The cognitive distortions involved in this dynamic are significant and allow the narcissist to position themselves as the victim in many scenarios in which they are actually the aggressor. They skew reality to evade the discomfort of self-awareness and then feel entitled to point the finger at someone else.

Due to their cognitive distortions, a narcissist looks at the world through a fragmented lens, which means they also view you from this position. Because of your natural tendency to self-reflect and perspective-take, you may unknowingly begin to look at yourself through the narcissist’s skewed lens. Suddenly, you start to see yourself negatively—as they do. Your identity may suffer as a result, and you may experience deep shame. Less confident and filled with self-doubt, your performance and focus may be impacted, which may lead to additional anxiety. In this situation, it is vital to try to refrain from looking at yourself through the narcissist’s lens.

Perspective-taking is another EI strength that may be manipulated by a narcissist. You may be a person who is open to being wrong, even though it is not pleasant. You strive to be a better person and to work out conflict with the ones you love, so you are able to suspend your opinion for a few moments in order to consider a loved one’s viewpoint. You value the relationship more than you value being right, so you are willing to see things from another angle. Often this tendency allows you to authentically understand your loved ones and resolve conflict by identifying a compromise or solution that pleases everyone. Even when you do not agree with their perspective, your ability to simply communicate an understanding of their point of view allows a loved one to feel heard and respected.

Alternatively, a narcissist believes they are always right. Their ego may be too fragile to risk being wrong so they defend against it with a constant assertion of their own viewpoint. Essentially, to them, being right is more important than anything else. Often they aggressively repeat their own outlook, so it may feel like talking to them is like beating your head against a brick wall.

The problem here is that you may be looking at things from the narcissist’s perspective, but they rarely, if ever, will authentically consider yours. This means that the narcissist’s reality may be in your head, but your own reality is automatically dismissed in theirs. Over the course of months, this experience can cause you to feel “crazy.” It can be especially difficult to hold onto your belief when the narcissist is adamant that they are right. The narcissist’s distorted viewpoint takes on more power in the relationship and, thus, provides them with more control.

Knowledge is power and an education about how a narcissist manipulates EI tendencies is a must if you are an emotionally intelligent person.

My new book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist, details what you need know to outsmart a narcissist with emotional intelligence.