2 Emotionally Intelligent Tools That Disarm a Narcissist

Narcissists have unconscious defense mechanisms that work together to ward off any threat to their ego. They use deflection, projection, denial, distortion, and victim stance to instantly shift blame outwards, instead of looking inward. For example, Rene forgets her partner’s b-day, but instead of feeling deep remorse and accountability for hurting her partner’s feelings, she positions herself as the victim and says, “Well, you have no idea about what I am going through! Work is killing me, and my mom is sick! I am under so much pressure!” Rene does not look in the mirror, own her mistake, and attempt to repair the hurt that she caused. Instead, she plays the victim. Now her partner, the actual injured party, must take care of Rene, and Rene’s mistake is excused.

The narcissist is seeking to manipulate you because they often lack the ability to introspect, take responsibility for themselves, gain insight, and then permanently evolve and grow in a relationship. They repeatedly make the same selfish choices. In order to camouflage their emotional inadequacies, they may manipulate you into thinking that things are your fault.

Initially, you may be susceptible to their manipulations because you are accountable, empathic, and trusting. However, once you realize that they are sneaky and deceptive, you can use two EI traits to protect yourself from the trickery and outsmart the narcissist in your life.

First, your ability to emotionally regulate is critical. A narcissist gaslights you in order to get you upset. When you get angry, the narcissist acts cool, collected, and innocent. They refuse to see how their actions and words impact you, which can be additionally infuriating. Then they point to your angry reaction and label you “unhinged.” Yet, when you become savvy about their gaslighting tendencies, you can prepare yourself. Emotionally regulating and remaining calm in the face of these experiences takes the narcissist’s power away. They want to get you upset. If you appear indifferent, then they get mad. They may up the ante and try harder to get you to explode, but if you use your EI and emotionally regulate, they won’t get what they are after. You have successfully kept your power and “flipped the script.”

Unlike an emotionally intelligent person, a narcissist is extremely and robustly defensive. When they do not obtain emotional control of you, they may get more aggressive or passive aggressive until they cross a line. They may not rest until they have the power. This, without a doubt, qualifies them as the “out of control” party. Calmly capture this when you can and slowly accrue evidence of their egregious behavior. Establishing a theme of bullying is key.

Second, your EI quality, emotional insight, may help as well. Using your astute awareness of your own emotions can provide you with everything you need to know regarding the narcissist’s manipulations and how to outsmart them. For example, narcissists inflict guilt in order to persuade you to do what they want. Your ability to immediately recognize what you are feeling allows you to understand the emotion and make sense of it. Examining what is eliciting the feeling, can help you decipher what the narcissist is up to.

For example, when the narcissist plays the victim, they are trying to make you feel guilty for addressing an issue. You may instantly realize their game when you recognize and identify your feelings of guilt. You may say to yourself, “Why I am feeling guilty when I did not do anything wrong, and I was actually the one that was hurt?” This moment of self-reflection is the step that will lead you to examine and debunk the underlying dynamic.

Renne’s partner recognizes the guilt she feels as Rene continues to play the victim. Upon further reflection, she realizes the guilt is a product of Renee’s manipulation. Instead of “falling for it”, she says to Rene, “What you did was hurtful. It is not okay to hurt the person you love and then justify it. I think I need some time.”

Unlike an emotionally astute person, a narcissist is so highly defended that they have little access to deep and uncomfortable emotions. These are the emotions that you may grapple with every day, in order to do the right thing, own a mistake, have empathy for loved ones, and understand both yourself and others better. They are also the emotions that can lead you to enlightenment about how a narcissist manipulates you. Once you realize that you have all of the tools you need to outsmart them, you may recover a great deal of peace and confidence.