Self-Hatred: How It Started and Why It Is Hard To Stop

The shame and disdain you feel about your body is painful, and changing this perception can be difficult. It requires more than simply deciding to love yourself. The origins of body hatred may be rooted in childhood and potentiated by dysfunctional adult relationships. Hopefully, this article will help you explore and reflect on these concepts as they relate to you personally.

As an infant, you came into this world neurologically programmed to protect your attachment relationship with your caregiver. Within the first three months of life, you smiled, grasped, rooted, and intentionally made eye contact with your caregiver. Even in the womb, you were attaching by recognizing your caregiver’s voice and movements. Biologists first recognized this natural attachment process with goslings who instantly imprinted on their parent when they hatched. Similarly, human infants are “hard wired” to bond to their attachment figures. This biological instinct strengthens an infant’s chances for survival, as they need the attachment figure to thrive. As the infant grows, their need to protect the attachment relationship may remain strong.

A dilemma exists, however, when your attachment figure is narcissistic. A narcissistic parent dismisses or shames you for expressing a feeling they do not like or find inconvenient. As a child you may have stifled and choked down any feeling or opinion that was incongruent with your parent’s. If you failed at this, you were berated, humiliated, or emotionally abandoned. You learned to shut down aspects of yourself in order to avoid verbal abuse, while simultaneously appeasing, placating, and fueling your parents’ ego.

The emotional abuse you endured may have triggered anger and animosity for this parent, and this may have clashed with your innate impulse to protect your attachment relationship. In order to love your problematic parent, you may have unconsciously turned the anger and rage you felt for them back onto yourself. Essentially, you had two choices: to hate them and lose your world or to love them and hate yourself. Most kids choose the latter.

The intensely negative feelings that you turned inward may be impacting your sense of self and manifesting in your perception of your body. The compulsion to punish your body by starving, purging, and hating it may have taken over. If you are in this predicament, understanding the possible reasons for self-hatred may assist you in eventually breaking free. It may also help to find a therapist who is experienced in working with childhood trauma.

Perhaps you conquered body-image issues in the past but you are experiencing a sudden increase in shame regarding how you look. Although there may be multiple reasons for the upsurge, one possibility may be the presence of a person in your life who is emotionally unsafe. It is human to be attracted to the familiar especially in a relational or attachment sense. The compulsion to re-master childhood trauma by becoming involved with someone who relates like the elusive figure, but provides hope for a different ending, can be compelling. Yet, the outcome is often the same.

If you are battling self-hatred regarding your physical appearance, it may be necessary to reflect on your childhood experiences to gain a comprehensive understanding of the ways in which your identity may have been impacted by a narcissistic parent. It may also be enlightening to know that your attachment instincts may have kicked in so you could continue to love your parent despite the injuries your sense of self sustained. This knowledge may motivate you to find a good therapist and to surround yourself with people who wholeheartedly support and empathize with you.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.