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This is part 2 of excerpts of my chapter in L.O.V.E is the Answer: How you can put principles of love into action to build a stronger police-community marriage, published by Eclipse.
Healing Through Development of a “Healthy” Internal Parent
It’s difficult for most of us to recognize that our inner voice is negative and perhaps abusive. We have gotten so used to hearing this voice it feels like the authority that is always right. And when it tells us we don’t deserve something because we haven’t worked hard enough, or because of all the mistakes we have made, we don’t question it.
When you grow up in an environment in which you have less than others, when your school has a fraction of the supplies that wealthier school districts have, when you are stopped by the police for no reason, or regularly reminded of all the material possessions that are out of your reach, it’s easy to feel “less than” and to buy into the negative messages. As noted above, these messages get coded into your own internal voice or internal parent. Whether black or white, it’s easy to internalize our abuser!
It’s impossible simply to eliminate or quiet a harmful internal voice. You have to find and substitute a more supportive and loving internal voice. We begin with the hallmarks of a healthy parent as a model for the establishment of this new healthy inner voice. Here are the keys: The healthy parent comes from a place of love, acceptance, compassion, support, and care. We all start, anchored to the old internal voice that “feels” so natural. The goal is to gradually shift the focus to the new healthy internal voice.
I tell clients that your existing voice is never correct, even when it is presenting what appear to be facts. I say this because the perspective of your existing voice is a negative perspective, one that assumes you’re not OK. With this perspective, facts are used against you: “You didn’t complete your homework, so you are a bad kid.” Or, “You made a mistake, so you don’t deserve to have good things.” You see, the facts are used in an undermining manner to confirm a negative self-image.
If you come from a place of support, compassion, and love (the perspective of the healthy internal parent), your goal will always be to raise yourself up. This doesn’t mean you should ignore your shortcomings, but you should have compassion for them and want to support growth and development of better habits.
Exercise to Develop and Empower a Healthy Internal Parent
I conclude with an exercise that can help weaken your existing internal parent while developing a more positive and healthy voice. This is a Gestalt Dialogue process that takes place between your existing internal voice/parent, and the new healthy voice you are working on creating and strengthening. To engage in this process, you will need two chairs facing each other.
Start off by playing the role of the old internal parent and sit in one of the chairs. Give this part of you a voice and express some of the negative messages you have found yourself saying. It may be, “You don’t work hard enough,” “You make too many mistakes,” “You’re not smart enough,” or “You don’t deserve.” Link the message to a current problem or stress you are dealing with.
Next, switch chairs and as you sit in the other seat, respond from what might be a very new place, an internal parent or voice that loves you, that wants you to succeed and be happy. As mentioned above, this part of you comes from a place of love, support, care, compassion, and most importantly, acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean you like everything about your behavior, but that for the moment, it’s your reality. As you work to grow and establish healthier behaviors, you accept yourself as you are.
Try to identify a place inside you that feels this way. It might be a very tiny voice, a rarely expressed voice, but it’s there somewhere. You might recall a grandparent or other relative who loves you and believes in you whose image will facilitate this process. It doesn’t matter how small the voice: The goal of this process is to find it, strengthen it, and ultimately, overcome the negative voice and be the place from which you anchor yourself.
This healthy internal parent might respond, “I deserve good things as much as anyone else.” “I know I’m not perfect, but I am a good person, and I want to learn to get better.” It might also tell the old voice, “You are not helping; you are hurting, so we are going to do our best not to listen to you.”
Because the old voice is always present, this dialogue should be ongoing. It needs to be your intention to notice when this voice is undermining you. Whenever you notice the old voice, shift to the healthy voice to respond and challenge the older voice’s perspective.
You might find yourself starting out by defending your actions, “No, I did work hard,” or “I’ve done this and I’ve done that.” Your responses are all defensive. You will take another step forward when you shift from being on the defense to being on the offense. This new effort might look like this: “Listen, you are not helping me. You are not trying to make me a healthier or more effective person. You are only hurting me, and I’m not going to listen to you anymore.” When you make this shift, you will find that your growth accelerates.
Conclusion
So much work needs to be done to level the playing field in our society. I have attempted to identify a less well-recognized consequence of the injustice experienced by blacks and other minorities. The good news is that there is a process to achieve healing and our own internal justice as we learn to treat ourselves the way we want others to treat us. I have described a conceptual model and methodology that can help address some of the wounding of growing up in this society. This internal process can achieve true empowerment.
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