How to Adjust to Having a Second Child

When I was pregnant with my second child, I had tons of people say discouraging things to me, such as telling me the classic Kris Jenner quote, “One is like one, and two are like twenty.” It is so important to remember that your child is not the only one going through a massive change when you're having a second child. As a parent, you will also be going through this transition, too.

Comments like the Jenner quote are not only extremely unhelpful, they're also not true. Research finds that mothers report an equivalent level of stress after having their first child as their second child. Research also finds that adding a second child is a largely positive experience and that mothers of multiple children are able to get back into a deeper, more restorative sleep after waking up at night and experience less fatigue and disturbed sleep than first-time mothers.

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So, what can you do to improve this transition for yourself?

1. Seek out support from others. Research suggests that mothers get less support with the birth of their second child as compared to their first child. Make a plan in advance in order to get adequate support from family, friends, a postpartum doula, babysitters, or other people in your life. Identify a community of people to support you in both practical and emotional ways (reach out to moms’ groups in your community, get to know your neighbors, find virtual support groups, or ask for help from family and friends).
2. Build your confidence as a parent. Research finds that mothers with higher confidence were more likely to be “flourishing” in the postpartum period and that parental confidence tends to decrease behavioral problems in children. To build your own confidence, reassure yourself that you are exactly the parent that both of your kids need. Replace less helpful thoughts, like “Having two kids will be too much for me,” with more helpful thoughts, such as, “Every day will get a little easier.” In addition, identify experts who can help you to build your confidence as a mother, such as a knowledgeable pediatrician, lactation consultant, parent educator, or physical therapist specializing in treating postpartum concerns.
3. Practice self-compassion. Research finds that high levels of self-compassion are associated with greater well-being in postpartum mothers. Remind yourself that everyone struggles and that you are trying your best. When you are giving yourself a hard time, imagine how you would treat a friend in the same position.
4. Recognize that many of your feelings are normal. Many parents feel conflicted about the birth of their second child, including feeling guilty about the changes their firstborn will experience and anxiety about being capable of managing the needs of two children. Research finds that many mothers feel anxious about the impact on their firstborn child and may even wonder if they can love the second child as much as the first. Recognize that these feelings are completely normal and they don’t mean that you are not being a “good parent” to your second child.
5. Have a plan for how you will treat any symptoms of postpartum anxiety or depression. Postpartum depression and anxiety are extremely common. Although having postpartum mood disorders in a previous birth increases your likelihood of experiencing it again, it does not mean you will necessarily experience it again or in the same way, and it does not necessarily mean that if you did not experience mood changes the first time that you will not experience them the second time. Preparing for these symptoms may include setting up a village of support around you, finding a good therapist or psychiatrist in advance, or asking your parenting partner to recognize when you are struggling. It is also important to remember that these mood changes can impact both mothers and fathers.
6. Seek help from a mental health professional if necessary. If you are experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression, excessive guilt, or distressing thoughts that interfere with activities of daily living and/or your relationships, consult with a mental health professional. Therapy can be very effective in helping to manage big life transitions such as having a second child.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.